The Definition of Love
by IBACULLEN
Summary: Edward & Bella may have had some difficulties in the beginning of their relationship but as they move forward, they will find that it will take even more work to stay together. In order to make her future work with Edward, Bella has to search out her past. It just may take this journey for Edward and Bella to learn the true definition of love. Takes place after The Lottery of Life.
1. Chapter 1

Commitment: Syllabification: com·mit·ment **Noun**. 1.) The state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. 2.) A pledge or undertaking. Example: I cannot make such a commitment at the moment.

**CHAPTER ONE**

"…will you marry me?"

Oh no! Oh god! I looked around and, suddenly, it all made sense. No wonder Edward threw such a fit and demanded we come back here for lunch. I hadn't set foot in this restaurant since the first time I saw Edward. Of course, back then, I believed he was a homeless man and, okay sure, I might have been the cause for him to be escorted from the street out front but that was all water under the bridge.

I didn't understand why Edward would ever want to eat here since we hadn't eaten at anything pricey in so long. So when Edward insisted to come back to the "scene of the crime", so to speak, I instantly wondered what he was up to, but never in a million years would I think this.

I looked around at the street beside us where Edward was still on his bended knee and noticed it was the exact place where we first met. I could feel my pores closing with the beads of sweat and my chest rising and falling much too quickly.

"This was happening all too soon. I mean we had only been dating a year."

"Bella." Edward sighed, "It's not that soon."

Oh shit, did I say that out loud?

I was still in the beginning of my academic career. Hell, I hadn't even picked a major yet and he was there, still on his knee, wanting a lifetime commitment from me. What did he expect out of me? Was he thinking I would give up on a career to just sit at home and shit out babies? Is that what he wanted from me?

"Would you stop shaking and chanting, no, no, no? People are going to think I'm threatening you." Edward stood back up with a soiled knee.

"Aren't you?" I smacked myself, "Fuck…I'm sorry. I didn't mean that but…what were you expecting me to say? Do you really think we are ready for this kind of commitment? I don't think we are. I mean, just because we managed to get the whole relationship thing down and be successful with that doesn't mean we should just leap into the next phase of our lives."

"Well, I wasn't actually expecting you to say yes. I guess I just wanted to see where you were at, and now I know that the very idea of marrying me makes you go into a full blown panic attack. The next time I ask you, maybe we could try for a little less cringing and a little more glitter in the eyes."

I managed to exhale slowly, allowing my heartbeats to slow their rapid pace.

"Oh good. Thank god. I mean…marriage." I rolled my eyes, "Who would ever want to marry me? I mean, the man who actually thought it would be a good idea probably should have his head examined."

I started laughing, feeling free of the shackles that were never even placed upon me.

"Well…someday, I would want to marry you. Would it be so bad to be married to me, Bella?"

I began to stare at him while my heart started to pick back up its pace. The sweat glands that had halted began producing once more.

"Why don't we just go home?" Edward sighed and then turned to walk toward our car.

Watching him walk away was heartbreaking. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I may have not handled the situation well. Dammit Bella. He's just trying to do the right thing. Do the right thing? It's not like he knocked me up. He didn't have to do the right thing. I could release him back into the wild so that he could go and find his perfect mate, one who wouldn't freak out at the idea of marriage. He could have a bevy of children and live happily ever after.

Edward looked back and saw me standing still in my spot. He waited for me to catch up, but I don't think I will ever be able to catch up. It could take me years before I was on the same page as him, and he wasn't getting any younger.

"Bella." He called out for me.

"Edward…I don't think this is a good idea anymore. You and I…" I started shaking my head.

His mouth dropped open a little and, instantly, he was back by my side.

"Stop it, okay?" He lightly demanded, "We don't need to get married. I'm sorry I brought it up…but we have been dating a while and I don't know what I was thinking, it's just, I'm not getting any younger…"

"I know. That's exactly what I just thought and…I can't do this to you. I don't want you wasting your life waiting for me to be ready for a…for a…commitment." I sniffled, "I just started my life and, hell, I don't even know who I am. I mean, honestly, what would we put on the invitations? I am not a Swan. I could be Isabella Rotella for all I know. You'd be marrying a girl who doesn't even have a proper last name."

"Is that what this is about?" He shook his head. "I told you a year ago when I got my DNA test back that if you wanted to find your father, then I would support you. So, you don't get to make that a reason for breaking up with me. Stop being a sissy. You don't get to quit us!"

We stood there at that spot, having an argument just like when we first met.

"You know…I'm starting to think that this place may have negative energy." I whispered.

Edward looked around and shook his head, "I could never think of this place as anything but positive. It…was the beginning of us."

He leaned and kissed me softly, while I stood there still indecisive about our future.

"Let's go home. You still have that final to study for."

Edward took my hand and I relented, allowing him to take me to the car. With traffic at this time of day, it would take awhile to get home, and I wasn't really sure if I wanted to be stuck in a car with the man who just proposed to me. I couldn't help but think of all the ways I must have crushed his little heart, and I didn't want to hurt him, but I just wasn't ready yet.

What is the matter with me? I loved Edward. I always wanted to be with Edward. What would be so different in our relationship if we were to get married? Edward moved in practically a month after we got back together. So, it's not like that would be different. After the DNA test came back to confirm that there was no way in hell we were related, it didn't take long for us to go back to exploring our sexual selves. We paid the bills together, we ate meals together, and we even went to the soup kitchen together.

Nothing would change if we got married, right?

"Edward." I paused, wondering if I really wanted to go into this when we were stuck on the 210 freeway. I would be opening up a possible argument with nowhere to run and, with Edward driving; I would have no control at all.

"Yes, honey?"

"Well…if we…did…" I sighed, "You know. I mean if we…were to say…those words."

I cringed.

"Spit it out." He pushed.

"I mean our relationship, what we have right now…it wouldn't change any, right?"

"You're worried about change?" He asked.

"Well, I am worried about…a lot of things, but as I have started to really think about your inquiry, it may be better received if I have some sort of contract. We had a contract for friendship and one for this relationship, maybe if we had one for marriage, I could get on board with it."

"Really?" He replied. "What sorts of things would you want to put into this contract?"

He had that tone of voice which immediately sent off warning signals. I knew this tone. He often used it before ripping an argument apart. Edward and I both had issues when it came to losing arguments, which could make for some rather brutal arguments but, as we had come to learn, makeup sex really is the best kind of sex. I believe if we had the option of makeup sex back when we were first starting to get to know one another, then maybe Horizons wouldn't have lost so much food back then.

"Just your average standard agreement." To win an argument, it's best to remain evasive until the opposing counsel is forced to show their hand.

"Like…sickness and in health. Death do us part. That kind of thing?"

The car was practically parked due to the traffic jam, and there was absolutely no reason to not look at me unless he was worried he'd give himself away.

"Sure. All those things and just a few other kinds of things."

"Like?"

"Well, really only one other thing which I believe is just standard." I straightened out the wrinkle in my black dress expertly.

"Uh huh."

"If we were to be husband and wife, then nothing should be changed from our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. Seeing how we finally were able to work this all out and be successful, why mess with a good thing?"

"Okay…I get you. So we get married and the only thing that would change is our titles. Instead of saying my girlfriend, Bella, I would say my wife, Bella."

"Yes. Absolutely!" I cheered, "I knew you'd get me."

"Oh Bella…I so get you, sweetheart." He squeezed my knee and patted it gently. "So, if I were to ask you to marry me, then you would say yes as long as I promised that nothing would ever change. We would keep our relationship the exact same for as long as we both shall live."

"You would be a husband." I smiled, "No longer a boyfriend."

Edward nodded his head and looked out the window to change lanes. The traffic was finally clearing and we would be home in no time.

"So…what do you think?" I asked when he didn't respond.

He looked over to me briefly and inhaled softly. We pulled into the driveway and he turned off the car.

"I will wait." He replied. He turned to his car door and exited.

I quickly scrambled out my side, "You will wait? Why? You…get everything you want."

He walked toward the front door without stopping and unlocked it. He turned back to me, "Bella, you can do better than that."

Was he upset with me? Why in the hell is he upset? I just told him that I would marry him. That's what he wanted. I thawed from my spot next to the car and charged toward the front door.

"Wait a food truck second!" I yelled.

Food truck second was something we referred to because working on a food truck was a much faster pace than the soup kitchen at Horizons. I hardly ever worked the food truck because I found it too stressful to keep up. Edward, however, loved the rush.

Edward paused, loosening his collar and turning back to me.

"Are you mad at me? I just accepted your bloody proposal." I snapped.

Bloody, another word I had picked up since befriending a girl from England that shared classes with me at UCLA.

"No. You didn't, Bella." He snapped back. "You put conditions on it. I don't want there to be anymore contracts. I want to marry you and allow life to happen. You are obviously not ready for that, so I take back my proposal."

I gasped, "You can't do that. I already said yes. What kind of a man breaks his word?"

"You never said yes so there was no word for me to break." He picked up my books on the entry table and walked over to me.

"Go and study, we will finish this later." He thrust my books at me.

"I don't want to finish this later. You think I will be able to study properly with you fuming around the house and slamming cupboards? You think I don't know that you do that?"

"Oh, as opposed to your constant sighing when you are upset?" He raised an eyebrow, "Bella, you have a final on Tuesday. You need to study. I am not going to be the reason you fail it."

I stared into his eyes with my anger brewing. I grabbed the books from him and stormed off toward the bedroom where my sturdy oak desk awaited me. I slammed my books down on the desk and caused the Oxford dictionary to go tumbling to the floor. It was something that happened often since I failed to get a book end.

I sighed loudly and caught myself in mid sigh. Damn you, Edward Cullen! I retrieved the book and set it back on the desk, looking around at the room. It was my favorite room in the house, and not because St. Agnes was no longer a virgin. That didn't sound right.

I shook my head and stared back out toward the garden, my study materials forgotten. My eyes caught a glimpse of a photo that now sat on my desk of the whole Cullen family, with me included, at the annual Fourth of July party. I picked up the frame and stared at the picture. Alice and Jasper, two months before they got pregnant. Rosalie and Emmett, who had just celebrated their third wedding anniversary that week. And then there were Edward's parents, Carlisle and Esme, whom, aside from our rather colorful beginnings, still welcomed me into their family like I was one of their own.

I sighed once more, looking at the photo and seeing how happy everyone was. Even though Carlisle was this like huge powerhouse of an entrepreneur, he still had time for his kids and every single one of his kids turned out well-adjusted and generous.

My poor brother and I never had a chance. Even though Michael and my relationship had greatly improved, it was still hard for us to take a descent photo together. Growing up, all of our family pictures looked structured and forced, mainly due to Charles threatening us to look proper. We didn't have pictures of us at some giant picnic with great big smiles on our faces.

I sniffled and I finally realized that I had been tearing up over this.

"Stop it, Bella." I whispered.

A soft knock on the door snapped me out of my pathetic moment, and I instantly turned away from Edward and wiped my face quickly while setting the photo back on the desk.

"What?" I huffed.

"I brought you some tea." He replied softly.

Tea. Another thing my new British friend had turned me onto.

"Thanks." I responded. I picked up my book and started straightening out my notes while Edward set the tea down on my desk.

"Bella…I…" he sighed. "I'm sorry about before."

"Forget it." I replied, focused on my papers. "Besides, I'm supposed to be studying."

He took a seat upon the short table that sat beside my desk and turned my chair toward him.

"Stop it!" I snapped.

"No. I want to finish this. I don't want to see you cry." He insisted.

"I'm not crying because of you." I contended. "I just…it's stupid."

"Nothing you think is stupid. Talk to me, Bella. I knew I was going to get a little bit of freaking out with you but…this is a lot more than I had expected. I need to know what's going on."

I waited for a couple of seconds, trying to find the right words to relay to him how I felt. I knew that it took a lot of courage for him to even ask me. It hadn't been something we ever discussed before, but I would catch a few hints here and there in the past. I just figured this would all happen later, much much later.

"Why do you want to marry me, Edward?"

"I love you. I never want to be without you and I like the certainty of marriage. It's hard work but even when we fight, I worry you'll get fed up and end it. Even today you tried to end it. Divorce is so easy nowadays but it takes time, and if we got married and you try to run…or end it, I will at least have the lengthy process of divorce to change your mind." He cringed, "Oh god, that was stupid of me. I shouldn't have said that."

"Nothing you think is stupid, Edward." I quoted him from before with gentle teasing.

"No…I just want you to understand that I love you and, even though you drive me crazy sometimes, I always want to be with you. I want to be your husband. I want to be the solid foundation in your life. Someone you will always count on. There is no other person for me, Bella."

"What about more?" I asked tentatively.

"More? What do you mean?" he asked confused.

I looked over to my desk and the picture that sat upon it. It was easy for him to think of a bright future with more, but my experience had given me little to work with.

"Do you mean…a baby?" Edward finally caught up.

I didn't answer.

"Bella…you don't ever want to have kids?"

I finally looked up into his eyes and could see how my answer would crush him. Having kids was never part of my plan. Hell, being in a relationship was never part of my plan. What would I know about kids? What kind of mother would I be? A horrible one.

His family was so perfect. You see all their smiling faces and know that it's genuine. Every family picture Michael and I ever took was for some kind of publicity or to keep up public appearances. Edward had no idea what he would be getting if he actually wanted me to birth a child. I would surely fuck it up. I had no role model to reference, my own mother died when I was seven. Charles, well that was a big laugh when the thought of parenting came to mind.

Once again, I looked back at the picture of the happy Cullen family and me and knew I could never give Edward that. I stood up quickly and grabbed my books.

"I need to study. I'm going to the library."

"Bella, wait." Edward called after me but I was already so gone.

I didn't go to the library. Instead, I drove aimlessly around, thinking of all the ways I would ruin Edward Cullen's life. Marriage. Kids. How did my whole happily ever after get halted so quickly?

Oh Bella, you're such a fool to think he would want you without all the extras. Of course Edward wanted to get married. He had the perfect role models who showed him that marriage was a good thing. He had lots of siblings who made childhood look like fun.

Given my family's track record, I would either end up like Charles, hated by my children, or like my mother, who had an affair and died. Which happily ever after do you want to have, Edward? The only possible silver lining was my biological father and who knows what kind of character he turned out to be.

I would catch myself thinking of him every once in a while. At first I was excited at the prospect of knowing a person who might actually want me. But then it occurred to me that he may not want me at all. If he was with my mother and knew she had become pregnant, what kind of man would just up and leave without ever wanting to know his own flesh and blood. Maybe I shouldn't meet him after all. It would be a mighty blow to be rejected again.

My cell phone rang, like it had for the past half hour, and I turned it off. I didn't want Edward trying to make me feel better. I had ruined his proposal. I had ruined his future. What more could I fuck up?

Which led me to Horizons. It was just getting dark, which meant that dinner was almost ready. I grabbed my sweater and headed toward the front doors. I could already see a few people hanging around the outside parking area as I approached.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" Rosalie greeted me, "I thought you had finals."

Rosalie and I were finally able to come to a common understanding with one another and, hell, she had grown on me.

"Couldn't even begin." I sighed.

"Uh oh." She cringed. "He asked you, didn't he?"

"You knew?" I gasped.

"We tried to tell him that now wasn't the right time."

We walked in through the main doors and she gave me a sympathetic shoulder rub.

"Alice!" She called out and, instantly, Alice came buzzing from the office. Alice with her tummy getting rounder stopped short seeing me and cringed as well.

"Ah shit. He asked you, didn't he?"

"What the fuck? Did like everyone know but me?" I complained.

"Ah hell, Bella. We tried to talk some sense into him. You…are in the middle of school and you're still young. He has to remember that you two are eight years apart and aren't on the same wave length." Alice began to explain.

"I don't think we're on the same planet, let alone wave length." I replied, picking up my apron. "In fact…I don't think we should stay together."

Both Alice and Rosalie paused what they were setting up and snapped their heads to me.

"Bella." Alice shook her head in disappointment, "Don't say that."

"Yeah, come on. It's just one fight." Rosalie added.

"It's not about a fight. He wants to have children. You would want me to stay with him even if I got him to agree to give up his dreams? I love him way too much to allow that."

"You don't ever think you'll want children?" Rosalie asked.

"I don't know." I shrugged, "When I think about it, it scares me to death. I don't want fuck up some kid."

"Are we ready to open?" Emmett came barreling out of the swinging door. "Little B! I thought you had finals this week?"

All of us halted the conversation.

"Oh…uh…needed a break."

Emmett scratched his head, looked around, and saw all of our slightly unhappy faces.

"Well, I guess I will go and open the door, if that's fine with all of you."

We didn't reply so he gave out a huff and walked toward the front doors.

"Bella, you are not leaving my brother." Alice turned on me with her spoon, "We all have invested way too much time into this relationship for you to fuck it up."

"Hey." I stated, offended.

"Oh come off it. You and Edward belong together and even though you can't see the future, it doesn't mean you don't have one. You are going to serve and then go home and work this out." She ordered.

People started filing in, halting me from a rebuttal, so I just stood behind my pan and did my job. About a half hour later, Edward came in.

"How did you know?" I asked, wondering who gave me up.

"Emmett." He stated. "I thought we agreed no soup kitchen or food truck until after finals."

"What's the point? I'll probably fail the class anyway. Topics of Modern Chemistry isn't ever going to make any sense to me."

"You're having trouble? I thought you were good this semester." He inquired.

I shook my head, "No…in fact, I have a feeling that because of this stupid final, I'll probably be placed on academic probation. School just isn't coming back to me. It's been too long." I sighed, scooping another helping of mashed potatoes and placing them on the plate.

"Would you just stop that? Why didn't you tell me you were having trouble? I could have helped you."

"Look, Edward can we not be angry or disappointed with one another in more than one topic at a time?" I finally looked over to him, "I'm sorry I fucked up your proposal. I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want…and deserve. I'm just not turning out to be the woman you thought I was."

Edward pulled the spoon out of my hand and spun me around toward the swinging door, pushing me through it.

"Edward." I protested. "My station."

"You aren't even supposed to be here." He snapped. "Why would you not tell me you were having trouble?"

"You think I'm really going to tell my Ivy League boyfriend that I can't even handle a prerec?" I spit.

"Your damn stubbornness is going to be the end of us. I swear." He growled, throwing his hands up in the air.

"No, I think today was the end of us." I yelled back.

"Oh come off it, Bella. You really think I'm going to let all your insecurities end us? Please! I already figured out a way to fix your perception."

"Fix it? What are you going to do? Club me over the head and drag me off to your cave." I snapped.

"No." He huffed, "I hired a detective. It's time you found out where you came from."

I immediately ceased any more verbal attacks and instantly melted. Our little fight had Edward breathing hard and sweaty. I was embarrassed about my schooling. I was ashamed. But he was right, I needed something and I was never going to be able to find my future until I discovered my past.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>First of all I was happy to be apart of **FICSISTERS dot com Signed, Sealed and Delivered** feature this week for the Lottery of Life. If you want to read it, the article is up on it's homepage currently.

Secondly I want to thank everyone who went over and tried out my new story, **Loathing You**. I am sending the next chapter to my beta tonight and hope to have it posted soon. I also want to thank all of you who decided to continue on with this Edward and Bella. I am honored you want to read what happens next. I will try and post an update at least once a week for this story.

Thank you again for all your support. I appreciate all your feedback and taking the time to read.

Last but certainly not least, much love for my beta **Robstenvampgirl **and all her hard work with juggling my multiple stories.

Character credit to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.


	2. Chapter 2

Equanimity: Syllabification: e·qua·nim·i·ty **Noun**.1) Mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. Example: _she accepted both the good and the bad __with equanimity._

**CHAPTER TWO**

Being mentally drained from the night before, I woke up on Sunday to a surprising calmness. I looked over at my clock and saw that it was still early. Edward was already out of bed and gone. On Sundays he liked to get an early start with his food truck. It was completely normal and, yet, I missed him. Especially today.

I sighed and shook my head, thinking over yesterday's events. I berated myself for ruining a perfect and important moment for Edward. I knew it must have taken courage to ask me to marry him and, if I had any courage whatsoever, I would have said yes outright. No conditions. No worries for the future.

I should have said yes.

Oh Bella, you can't say yes. It would be completely wrong for you to do so. I would be stealing his future away. I rubbed my temples before flopping back down to my pillow. My bed was a safe haven from any problems.

"The forecast says there is rain on the horizon. The perfect day to stay in and study, don't you think?"

Edward's voice had me popping back up from my pillow.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

With a tray in his hands, he came over and sat down on the bed.

"I'm here to help you study. I decided to take time off so you have the ultimate study buddy. I already went through your study guide and made a schedule for the next two and a half days." He handed me his chart from off the tray. It was color coded and had every hour accounted for. Even meal and potty breaks were scheduled.

"Geez, seems you've forgotten to schedule in sex." I replied dryly.

"No, I didn't. I allowed for a fifteen minute break every four hours. It's up to you what you want to do on these breaks." He winked.

"Wow, fifteen whole minutes!" I exclaimed, "Can I study in the nude so I won't waste any of my precious fifteen minutes disrobing?"

"As long as you don't find it disruptive."

I scowled. "You do know that this schedule is a tad overboard, right?"

"Bella, you have two days to comprehend this material so you can pass your class. You are in luck that I happened to be one of the best tutors when I was at school. You listen and work with me for the next two days and you will pass your class. But, I need you to be one hundred percent on board with me."

I stared down at his color coded schedule and, already, I felt defeated. I knew Edward was an intelligent person and anyone in my position would be happy to have this kind of dedication, but being tutored by Edward made me feel…inadequate and stupid. I knew that if I was going to commit to his vision, I would need to set my ego aside. Easier said than done.

I sighed and looked back up at him, "Lucky me."

"All right, first of all, I want you to understand that I am not going to be your understanding boyfriend who will hold you and pat you on the back when you're frustrated. I am going to be a hard ass. I'm not going to allow any whining or complaining. I don't want to hear you say that you're stupid and, worse of all, I'm not going to give up on you so at no time are you allowed to quit on me." He stated adamantly.

I sat there staring at him like he just went out of his mind and then it reminded me of something.

"Mr. Cullen, I have missed this game. Wherever is your ruler?" I asked innocently. I started to crawl towards him on the bed and he instantly leaped up and off.

"Stop it, Bella. If you want to role play, we can do so later at…" He looked down at the schedule, "Twelve fifteen."

"And what if I don't stop? Will I get a detention?"

"I have way more will power then you. You can shake those at me all you want. I won't give in." He replied, waving a hand at my breasts. "Now eat your breakfast. Everything on that tray is brain food."

I looked down at the tray and noticed for the first time that this was unlike normal Edward breakfasts. Edward usually made eggs and pancakes and bacon. The whole kitten caboodle. This breakfast looked like it was missing its caboodle.

"What is that?" I asked abandoning my teacher student fantasy.

"Half a grapefruit. A bran muffin with peanut butter and a glass of orange juice."

"Brain food? As appetizing as this all looks, unless it's going to literally grow me a brain, I think I'll pass."

"Would you just eat the damn food? I need you focused and your next meal break won't be until twelve-thirty." He noted.

"Would you stop? I am going to eat when I am hungry. I am going to sleep when I'm sleepy, and I will pee without asking for a hall pass."

Edward sighed and sat back down on the bed looking defeated.

"Bella, I really want this for us. This…degree isn't just about you. This is everything that we have talked about since I've known you. I know how much this means to you and so it means a hell of a lot to me to. You're going to have easy classes and hard classes, but when it's all over and you can finally walk across that stage with a diploma, all the sacrifice, all the hard work, all our fighting, it will all be worth it. Please. Please let me help you."

I sighed and looked back over to my sad little breakfast.

"All right, Major Hard Ass. Where do we begin?" I gave in and picked up the brown muffin.

Edward smiled and, excitedly, he jumped back up and ran toward the hallway. I heard a strange sound as Edward dragged something across our hardwood flooring. My mouth dropped when I saw him cart in a full on wipe off board.

"Someone went a little overboard this morning." I taunted.

"How am I supposed to explain myself adequately if I don't have the proper medium? Isn't this cool?" He geeked out on me. "Plus, we could use it as a prop after."

"Prop?"

"You know, just in case you find yourself unoccupied around twelve fifteen." He smirked.

"Oh, you've had your chance with me, Mr. Cullen. I'm afraid you missed that train."

"We'll see about that."

Our study session went mildly good. I will admit that Edward really did have a knack at explaining things. However, when he felt he explained something too much, he would begin to lose patience, which may have led to the argument we had around noon that caused my fifteen minute break to be spent in solitude.

Edward used it as an excuse to go and make us our lunch, but I think he was trying to get away from me for a few minutes. I let him go and decided to shower instead. I didn't know if this tutoring thing would be a good idea after this course had finished. I wasn't about to sacrifice my relationship for a stupid prerequisite chemistry course that didn't even interest me.

It made me positively angry that I was forced to take a class that I would never use and was a waste of my time, all for the sake of being "well-rounded." I didn't want to be well-rounded. I just wanted to be happy and proud of myself. I wanted to know that I could accomplish something and Topics of Modern Chemistry stood in the way of that.

My brain was overloaded with chemistry and here I was on my "break" as Edward so designated, still thinking about it. I should be thinking about something else, something more important, like this interview I had with the private investigator Edward hired. Edward scheduled it for after my test on Tuesday. I knew he thought he was doing a nice thing by waiting until after my test, but part of me wished we could have done it today, so that this guy could already get started. I hated having to wait. I hated having to remain calm and act like it wasn't the biggest thing to be happening in my world.

The water ran over my body and it was the only form of relief I could find for the mounting headache I was causing myself. It wasn't until there was a knock on my shower door that it occurred to me that I might have been taking longer than the allocated fifteen minutes.

"Just…forget about me for lunch. I will forgo eating if I can have a decent shower, and don't give me any crap about that stupid drought." I huffed.

The shower door opened. I gasped in surprise that Edward was standing there stark naked.

"Fuck the drought."

He entered quickly and pulled me into a strong kiss. I was so in shock, but I wasn't sure what I was in more shock of. Wasn't he just upset with me and my lack of focus? And then on the other hand, Edward had been harping on me for weeks about the California drought and how I could contribute to the cause.

My back was up against the shower wall as he lifted me up easily and slid straight into me.

Why the hell was I thinking of droughts?

Edward's teeth let go of my lip and moved on toward my neck.

"So…much…better than studying." I panted as he pushed into me over and over. My hands could feel his back muscles flexing as he worked to bring us to that perfect moment.

"Fucking now. Studying later." He grunted. "Need you focused."

I nodded my head wildly, hoping he wouldn't stop. I brought his mouth to mine and continued to kiss him, but then something occurred to me, "So you're not mad at me?"

And then he stopped.

"Bella, do you want an orgasm or would you rather we hash this out? My dick can take a number. Your princess can abdicate her throne…" He asked, looking directly in my eyes.

"It's a queen, not a princess." I corrected.

It was stupid but, hey, if guys got to name their dicks, I got to name my clit.

I could still feel every inch of him inside me as he waited for my answer. I could also feel my clit queen screaming at me for my finale and wondering why the hell I would bother him when we had such a good thing going.

"You're right. You can continue fucking me now." I pushed up a little, but my legs slid down his ass due to our wet bodies.

Edward set me back down on the ground and I started to protest, "Hey, less talk, more rock."

Without a word, he spun me around, keeping a firm grasp so I wouldn't slip, and ordered for me to hold on to the wet bar. He bent me over and pushed back into me.

"Anymore protests?" He asked.

I shook my head furiously and he started back his pace. There was only one thing in the world that could make me forget about a headache, a chemistry test, and my questionable past. The feeling of Edward's fingers as he dug them into my thighs. The sound our bodies would make as he crashed into me over and over only to be drowned out by my many expletives.

"Come on, baby. I'm almost…" I could hear him trying to refrain, waiting for me.

"Fuck!" I chanted, trying to quicken our pace.

"Come on, baby, I want to see your fucking cunt filled with my cum."

"Oh, fuck me!" I screamed, finally feeling my orgasm as it hit with full force.

Absently, I could hear Edward yell out himself as he pushed into me farther, but I was done and spent. I waited for him to pull out to flop down to the tiled bench in the shower. I closed my eyes while my breathing and body came back down to earth.

Edward sat down beside me and pulled me toward him, leaving a kiss upon my head.

"Damn, I was worried I wasn't going to be able to get you off in time."

I smiled, "I noticed. It's usually only for emergencies that you bring out dirty Edward."

When it came to vulgarities, I cornered the market in that respect. You wouldn't find Edward using obscenities or dirty talk in our everyday language so, whenever he did, my god, did it have an effect on the queen.

I laid there against his chest with a happy little smile on my face. "I could go for a nap right about now."

"Absolutely not! Come on, we've already wasted enough time." He replied, pushing me off to stand.

"Wow, wasted? Nice to know that our sex life is a waste of time to you." I huffed.

"You can act offended all you like, Miss Swan, but it's not going to keep us from chapter four. I gave you one hell of an orgasm so…I think you could, at the very least, get dressed and back to work."

"Well, at the very least, can I wash your spunk out of my pussy or should I just have it leaking all over the bed while we study?"

"Don't be disgusting." He admonished.

"Disgusting? Hey, these are your swimmers up in here." I quickly covered my privates and whispered, "If I were you, I wouldn't let them hear you speak so disparaging of them."

"You're absolutely right, Bella." Edward dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around my thighs, "My poor babies, I apologize immensely. Now, please, swim on and do god's work."

My eyes practically bugged out of my skull and I quickly untangled myself from Edward's grasp.

"No! No, god's work." I began hopping up and down with my legs spread, "Free Willy! Free all the Willies!"

Edward shook his head with a smile and stood back up.

"Hurry up! You're late Swan and Mr. Cullen can be a real hard ass when it comes to tardiness."

I smirked, "Hard ass? I could think of something else that's hard on Mr. Cullen."

"Now!" he ordered.

With an obnoxious sigh, I finished washing up and prepared myself for entering back into the ever so exciting world of chem. It was a tiresome two and a half days to say the least. Edward even thought it would be a good idea to drive me to my final so he could quiz me in the car. But it didn't make any difference, because today wasn't just the day that I take a test. Today was the day I would find out if this investigator really could track down my biological father.

"Bella, are you even paying attention?" Edward asked.

"What? Uh…what was the question?" I snapped out of my thoughts and looked over to him.

"What are you thinking about?"

"What do you think?" I sighed.

"Oh…honey, it's going to be okay. You are ready for this test. You are going to kick some major Ucla butt."

I shook my head, "First of all, please don't call it Ucla. It's U.C.L.A. You sound like a hipster…I can't be seen with a hipster."

Edward laughed and turned into the parking area in front of the building for my class.

"Secondly…I'm not even thinking about this test. I can't stop thinking about our meeting afterwards. What if this guy can't find my dad? I know that this test is really important to you…you've put in so much hard work and you've had to deal with probably the most unfocused student ever but…there is something else that's much more important to me, and that's what I'm focused on."

Edward's head softly hit the back of his head rest, "I knew I should have waited to tell you about that. Please, Bella…everything will be fine. I promise you…if it takes ten investigators, we will find him."

"You don't know that. I don't even have a clue to start with. Grandfather already told me before he died that even Charles didn't know who my biological father was. I'm like a needle in a world sized haystack."

"That's what these investigators do, though. They can take even the smallest information and find answers. This guy works for my father and he is ex-CIA. He has contacts and government training for this. Try and focus on the chemistry. It's one test and then you're done for winter break. No more studying until spring. You and me celebrating our first Christmas together…"

"We were together for Christmas last year." I reminded him.

"No…you were mad at me last year and found forgiveness. This is our first real drama-less Christmas."

I gave him a small smile, thinking back to how far we have come in a year. I gathered up my book bag and leaned over to give him a kiss.

"Thank you for…not giving up on me."

"Never." He vowed. "Good luck, Bella. I will be right here to pick you up when you're done."

I nodded my head and trepidatiously stepped out of the car. I entered the class and could feel the loom of doom that hung over the room. Every student was quiet and focused as they took out their materials. I walked to sit down at my normal seat and waited while the professor sent around the exam. He explained the time requirements and wished us luck.

I stared down at the exam for a whole minute before picking up my pencil.

Focus, Bella! Edward said everything would be okay, just do this shit and get out of here. The sooner I could leave, the sooner we could make our appointment. I breathed out once more and started.

There are things that happen when you are taking an important exam. You look down at the material and it might as well be written in Sanskrit for all the good it will do you. That usually happens when you know you haven't studied enough. Secondly, you take the full amount of time for the test, because you constantly second guess your answers. Everything must be a trick question, right? Or…what happened to me, I practically flew through the exam and when it was finished I wondered if maybe that was a little too easy. Maybe I just fucked it up because there is no way that I should have nearly twenty minutes of my allotted time left, but I didn't want to be the first student up and out of my seat, so I waited.

I tapped my pencil anxiously until another student gave me a look of death so I changed my focus on biting my fingernail. I exhaled when I saw a student get up finally and approach the professor. I even waited for good measure for another student to finish before I jumped out of my seat to leave.

"So…how did we do, Miss Swan?" The professor asked me.

"Well…I'm…rather nauseated and…no offense, but I've had so much chemistry rammed down my throat the past couple of days that I really hope I never have to look at you standing by a blackboard again."

Dammit, Bella! So not a good thing to say to the man who holds your future in his hands. The professor looked at me oddly for a moment and then smirked.

"No offense, but I hope I don't have to see you behind one of my desks again." He retorted.

"Well…you know how to make us both happy, sir." I replied with a cringe.

"Get out of here, Swan. The next time I see you, it better be far away from this building."

"Thank you, sir. I sure hope so." I gave him a small nod and left the Department of Chemistry building.

I walked out to the curb and didn't see Edward in sight. It was only a few moments I had to wait before he came driving up.

"Have you been waiting long?" Edward asked anxiously.

"I completely bombed…I just signed my name and turned the test in. I've been waiting here for an hour."

Edward's face instantly drained of blood and he tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"It's…okay, baby." He tried to console me.

"I'm screwing with you, Edward…I finished the test, but I can't promise I passed."

"Don't do that to me. You know I'm an old man over here." He replied, clutching his chest.

"You're thirty-two." I pointed out, "Which, yes, seems like an eternity from my age, but I doubt you need to worry about a heart condition at this point."

"So when will you find out?" He wondered.

"Not sure, a couple of weeks. I think they usually send out the grades online right before New Year's, just in case you want to ring in the New Year with a resolution to kill yourself."

"Don't be so morbid. I doubt you did that bad."

I looked out my window and hoped he was right.

We drove toward downtown and it wasn't until we were in front of Cullen Media Group's high substantial building that I became confused.

"Why are we coming here?" I asked.

"I told you that this guy works for my father."

"Oh…I guess I just thought…we would be in a more intimate setting."

"There's nothing to worry about, Bella." He replied.

"Did you tell your father what I'm doing?" I asked.

Edward furrowed his brow and then spoke cautiously, "Was this something I was supposed to keep secret?"

"No…I guess not. I just…never mind." I tried to shake it off.

"What is it, Bella?" He pushed as he parked our car in a special designated space.

"It's nothing."

"Just tell me." He demanded.

"I don't know if I want everyone to know. I don't want to have to answer questions that I don't even know the answers to. I just wanted to keep this to us until I found out something. I don't want people asking me every day if I've heard anything. It will drive me crazy."

He turned off the car and we sat in silence for a few minutes.

"I'm sorry, Bella…I didn't think…"

"It's okay. I…I'm just scared. Really scared."

He nodded, sympathetically, and took my hand, "It will be okay."

I waited for a second before gathering my courage up. "Okay, let's get this done."

We both got out of the car and located the elevator. Edward flashed some sort of badge near the numbers and hit the top floor. I had never been to this building. Thinking about the Cullen Media Group had never been on my radar. The elevator went all the way to the top with no stops and we walked into a pristine modern office.

"Edward." The young receptionist greeted. "I haven't see you around here in a long while."

Why was I getting the feeling there was some flirtation going on up in here?

"Hi, Jeannette. It has been awhile. I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Isabella."

I questioned the name change, since Edward rarely introduced me as Isabella, but I didn't say anything out loud. That conversation could wait for another time. The young girl overcompensated greatly with her welcome towards me and I tried to reciprocate, but I don't think I did as great of a job at faking as she did.

"Is my father here?" Edward asked.

"Of course, in and waiting." She beamed.

Edward took my hand and we walked toward the sturdy doors. I had always seen Carlisle in social situations so it felt weird to see him in his work habitat. Immediately upon seeing us, he ended his phone call and stood up from his desk with a great big smile on his face. It's amazing how different from Charles he was. Just goes to show you that you can be powerful and wealthy and, yet, you don't have to be a douche.

"There are my kids." He greeted us with arms wide open.

I couldn't stop my cringe as I thought about the dirty images I once had of this man.

"Awe come on, Bella. Just because you didn't say yes to my son's proposal, doesn't mean I don't think of you as one of my own. You will be one day." Carlisle teased.

"You told him?" I accused Edward.

"I…I..." Edward shook his head.

"No, of course not, but when you have as many kids as I do, somehow things always get back to daddy."

I cringed again, trying to stop images from flooding my mind, and Edward caught me and puffed out his chest, all superior. He loved throwing the Carlisle Cullen situation back at me every chance he got.

"So, I have set you up with Jason Jenks, he is our best. If anyone can help you out, it's him." Carlisle told us.

"Thank you…for doing this." I expressed.

"It's not a problem. Anything." Carlisle picked up his suit coat, "I have to get to a meeting, so feel free to use the office."

"Thank you, dad." Edward called out.

"Can't wait to see you two at Christmas. I know your mother has a great one planned this year."

I breathed out a sigh and sat down on the couch looking out over the city. I could see Swan Enterprises and that reminded me that I needed to call Michael and see what we were doing this year for Christmas. It was the plan to spend Christmas Eve with Michael and his fiancé Emily and then we would head over to the Cullen house for Christmas Day.

Edward was just about to say something when Jason Jenks walked in. This man was all business and, even if Edward hadn't told me he was ex CIA, I probably could have guessed it by his mannerisms.

"Let's get started. So you have no name…no idea who your father is, correct?"

Edward sat down beside me and took a hold of my hand.

"That's correct."

"Miss Swan, I can't promise you I will find him. However, I haven't ever failed before so give me a few days to see where we stand."

I nodded nervously.

"I understand."

"I will call you the moment I have anything." He stood back up.

"Wait, don't you need to…know stuff? Isn't there something I can tell you that may make it easier?"

"I already know everything I need to about you. I have your file." He stated.

"My file?" I inquired.

"Yes. I have every bit of information on you and your family that there is."

Okay, that's creepy.

"It's okay, Bella. He knows what he's doing." Edward reassured.

I nodded and this Jenks took it as his cue to leave.

"Well, what the hell was the point in coming here if he already knows everything." I huffed.

"I thought you would want to meet the man in person. He's the best, Bella. Only the best for you."

I laid my head on Edward's chest and allowed the beating of his heart to calm me. I hated feeling so helpless. Out there was a man who may not even know I exist. In a few days…weeks…months, however long it took, he would soon know who Isabella Swan was. I sure hope that finding him was the right thing to do.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Thank you for taking the time to read and review! It's much appreciated. I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

Thanks to my wonderful beta, **Robstenvampgirl **for taking the time to help me out with all my stories.


	3. Chapter 3

Tribulation: Syllabification: trib·u·la·tion **Noun**.1) A cause of great trouble or suffering. 2) A state of great trouble or suffering. Example: _her time of tribulation was just the beginning._

**CHAPTER THREE**

Alice, Rosalie, and I sat on bar stools in the kitchen at Horizon's, peeling the potatoes for tomorrow's Christmas Eve dinner. We had barrels full and this was looking to be the best Christmas Eve in the history of the soup kitchen. Angela had done wonderfully at Swan Enterprises and worked her butt off at not only spending the money allocated wisely, but she spent many hours going around to various places searching out donations. She really knew how to stretch the dollar. She stretched the dollar so much that we would probably still be peeling potatoes come next Christmas Eve.

It had been a week since I had met with Carlisle Cullen's private investigator and, since then, every single phone call ring would drop my heart into my stomach. But alas, it never was this Jason guy. I nearly sliced off a chunk of my finger the moment the phone rang this last time and it caused concern for Alice and Rosalie.

"What is going on with you? You are jumpy and fidgety, your mind is not on the potatoes." Alice complained.

"I didn't realize that my mind had to be on the potatoes." I retorted, holding my bloody finger close to my chest with a paper towel wrapped around it.

"When you try to poison the food by adding your own special ingredients, then, I'd have to agree with Alice that maybe your mind should be a little bit more on the potatoes." Rosalie smirked.

I sighed and flopped back down to my stool.

"Okay, there's…something that could change my entire life and I am waiting for the phone call to tell me my future."

Rosalie and Alice both stopped their peeling and looked over to me.

"Are you pregnant?" Rosalie whispered conspiratorially.

"WHAT? NO!" I shrieked, "Ew!"

"Ew? Hey, some of us happen to think that pregnancy is a wonderful and beautiful thing." Alice replied, rubbing her growing stomach, "In fact, I really doubt you would want me to tell your future niece or nephew that you found her or his very existence, ew."

"First of all, that thing is not related to me and, secondly, you should be thankful for that."

"That thing!" Alice screeched.

"Okay. Okay. Enough." Rosalie stood up and held her arms out to pause our debate. "If you're not pregnant, then what is it?"

I cringed because I wanted to talk to someone about this and, honestly, who better than my two closest girls, but I was also worried that they would begin peppering me with a whole lot of questions that I didn't have answers to.

"It can't be that bad." Alice tried to comfort me.

"It's not bad…it's just really confusing and scary, and I feel so lost and undecided."

I waited for a minute to gather up the courage I needed and both of them gave me the time to find it.

"Edward asked Carlisle to help me find my biological father. He has this investigator that we met with over a week ago, and now I am waiting for what could be the biggest event of my life. Any moment that phone could ring and he'll tell me a name and that name could change my life."

"Bella…why didn't you tell us? My god, your brain must be in absolute chaos." Alice walked closer and set her potato slicer down on the counter.

"I don't know…I thought talking to anyone would just stress me out further. Ever since I found out…since Charles, in a fit of an outburst let me know that I wasn't his, I haven't stopped thinking about it. It's with me every single day. I walk down a street or go to a store and every man of a certain age, I can't help but wonder if that's him. What if he lives down the street from me? What if he is someone I've known my whole life? Will he like me? What if he has known about me but didn't want me? I can't help but think of every possibility and how horrible this could all turn out."

"That's not possible. Of course he's going to like you." Alice consoled.

"You don't know that. He could have moved on with his life after the affair with my mother, and he could have a whole family out there already and throwing me into the mix could cause him problems." I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook off the impending tears, "Besides, I still haven't decided if I really am going to meet him. Just because Jason Jenks gives me a name, doesn't mean that I will actually muster up the courage to find him."

"Of course you're going to find him because, Bella, having that name sit there in the back of your mind will just cause you further grief. And besides…you never struck me as a coward." Rosalie raised a challenging eyebrow.

"Of course I'm not a coward. If Edward and Emmett hadn't broken us up during the great Blue Box fight of twenty-twelve, I so would have whooped your ass."

"Oh really?" Rosalie stood up with her potato slicer. "Wanna another go?"

"No! No! No!" Alice scolded. "Not again."

"Calm down, Alice. We're just fucking with each other."

Rosalie and I both shook our heads as Alice breathed a sigh of relief.

"It is a lot to take in. What if he's…famous? I mean your family did run in some elite circles." Rosalie speculated.

"God, I hope not. I think I've had my fair share with famous people. Jacob Black alone was enough to last a life time."

"What if he's a convict? Locked up in some prison cell somewhere." Alice added.

"Geez, thanks a lot. Like I didn't have enough to worry about." I replied dryly.

"Yeah, Alice, what the hell is the matter with you? You don't say something like that to her. At least I tried to make my guess glamorous."

"Glamorous. Serial killers can be glamorous too." Alice defended.

"Okay, enough of the murder mystery books. I highly doubt I'm related to a serial killer…although wouldn't that make for a great story? Long lost daughter reunited with her stabby happy dad, to follow in his footsteps, she begins with her annoying ass friends."

"All right, all right. No need to get violent. Besides, I imagine the fate worse than death for Bella would be to have a bio dad that had absolutely no fashion sense." Alice laughed.

"I've gotten better." I pouted.

I had gotten better. Now mind you I didn't shop at Wal Marts or Targets, but I had given up Barney's unless it was for a special occasion. I had downgraded my closet severely, especially after Edward had moved in and took up a lot of my closet space with suits he no longer wore. Don't even get me started on the many fights we had about that.

"I wouldn't worry about it until there is something to worry about. Up until a year ago, this man had no effect on your life and, until you know more about him, I wouldn't let him ruin your Christmas." Rosalie went right back to peeling her potatoes.

"That's true, but I guess that's easier said than done." I sighed, looking longingly to my phone once more.

The screen lit up and my ring tone went blasting like it was a prayer answered. I noticed the number came up as unknown and, once again, my heart dropped into my stomach as I scrambled to answer it.

"Hello." I gasped.

"Miss Swan. Jenks here. I have news. You should…bring Mr. Cullen with you."

"Mr. Cullen…Edward?" I wondered why he would need Edward there when he told me the news. We had already had the DNA test ran so I know he wasn't related to me.

"Yes. I will be at Cullen offices until six or I can meet with you tomorrow."

"No! I mean…we'll be there. I'm leaving now." I jumped up from my chair and hung up the phone.

"I have to go…I need to find Edward. I…I…"

"Bella, let me call Edward. He can bring the truck back here and pick you up." Alice put a hand on my shoulder. My whole body trembled with the nerves far worse than what I had already been experiencing the past week.

"I don't know if there's enough time. He said he would only be there until six. Why would he need to see Edward too? Why can't I meet with him on my own?"

"Bella, I'm calling Edward right now. You shouldn't drive in this condition. You're nervous and getting into a car accident is the last thing we all need." Rosalie was already dialing while Alice still tried to comfort me.

"Don't worry, Bella. I will call my father and make sure he waits for you, okay?" Alice reassured.

I could hear Rosalie in the background talking with Edward, but I couldn't make out the words. I believed my ears had become deafened by the blood rushing to my head. I felt my mouth go dry and my hands wouldn't stop their trembling until I made a conscious effort to roll them into fists.

What was I about to hear? Images ran through my mind of this man. What would he be like? Everything I had waited for the past year was about to come clear for the first time.

I tried to pick back up my potato slicer, but Alice quickly took it out of my hands.

"I don't think this is the best idea. I don't need you losing a finger next time."

"I can't just sit here and wait. I need something to occupy my brain."

"Edward's on his way. Should be here in five." Rosalie announced.

"See, everything is going to be okay." Alice walked over and grabbed a bottle of water and handed it to me. "Why don't you go and get your stuff so you can leave the second he gets here?"

I nodded and went over to the offices and grabbed my purse. I walked back to the kitchen and told them I would wait for Edward outside. They both wished me luck.

I stood out on the sidewalk, watching people pass me by and, once again, I couldn't help but wonder whose life I was about to change for better or worse. Edward didn't take long and I could tell he must have burned rubber by his timing.

"Let's go." Edward jumped down from the truck, "What happened to your hand?"

I looked down at the forgotten bloody paper towel and pulled it away to see that the cut had stopped oozing.

"Potato catastrophe." I shrugged.

Edward shook his head and sighed. "I'll drive."

Maybe that's why Jenks would ask for Edward to come as well. Maybe he was concerned I would be too mental to drive. That's just stupid, why would he care about such a thing? Unless, Carlisle requested it.

"What's going on in that head of yours? You can talk to me, Bella." Edward asked since I hadn't said a word to him since entering the car.

"I'm…wondering why Jenks would ask you to come along. I don't understand. We already know I'm not related to you and…it just doesn't make any sense."

"My father probably told him to include me."

"Why?"

"Because…he knows that you may need someone you trust. This is really important and I can be there to help support you during this."

I looked out the window and tried to focus on the passing scenery and not the questions swirling around in my head. I could feel an impending headache and I had nothing to take for it. With the Los Angeles traffic being so horrendous it took us twenty minutes to go five miles. Every minute felt like it was going to be my last, but we finally made it to the broad, vast building and it was only moments after we found ourselves in Carlisle's outer office.

Jeanette didn't even have a chance to greet us before Carlisle took over for her.

"Come in…I will…leave you two."

I was thankful for the privacy that Carlisle was allocating us. However, something seemed off about him as well. Even Edward looked at his father curiously.

"Mr. Jenks, what have you found?" Edward inquired.

I took a seat on the leather couch across from private investigator and took a deep breath in.

"Your father…after reaching out to your mother's closest friends and interviewing many, many sources, I have come in contact with a woman by the name of Elise Hamilton. Your father was Eugene Hamilton."

"Was?" I muttered.

"He passed away in two-thousand and six. I'm sorry."

Edward took a hold of me and brought me to his chest. "Bella, I'm so sorry."

I stared over Edward's shoulder to the tall windows that overlook Los Angeles and thought how stupid I was to ever think that anyone of those people out there was my father. It all seemed just so preposterous of me to just assume that he was still alive. I had imagined a thousand different scenarios but this was one that I never even thought of.

"I have his widow's address here if you would like it…"

"Just go." Edward snapped. "Thank you, but we need you to leave."

I didn't hear anything more until the door closed behind Mr. Jenks. It wasn't his fault that my life was so fucked up. Edward shouldn't have snapped at him like that. He was just doing his job after all.

Edward let me go and I returned to sitting on the couch in the usual manner.

"Bella…talk to me."

I could sense he was worried since I hadn't shed a tear or said one word, but I think I was experiencing something greater than he could imagine.

"What do you want for dinner tonight? I'm kind of feeling like Cuban. I could really go for some roasted pork." I replied, jumping off the couch.

"Uh…" Edward looked confused. "That's sound good but…we should talk about this."

"You don't want Cuban."

"I know what you're doing, Bella. It's okay to be upset. I am here for you."

"That's great. So Cuban?" I pushed.

"Bella. Talk to me." He reached out for my hand and pulled me toward him. "It's okay, I'm right here and I know that this hurts. I am so sorry, baby. I know how much you wanted this."

"I don't want to do this." I stated strongly, "It doesn't change anything. My life is no different from before. I am still the same Isabella Swa…"

I couldn't even finish my name because, deep down inside, I knew I shouldn't be Isabella Swan. I should have been Isabella Hamilton. I would never know who Eugene Hamilton was. All I had was some widow and I couldn't imagine a future for me because my past was lost.

"God dammit!" I screamed picking up the first thing I could see and throwing it. "Why did you do this to me? I didn't want to have to talk about it. I was perfectly fine ignoring everything I just heard. Damn you, Edward!"

I walked over to the window and stared down at the cars, wiping an annoying tear from my cheek.

"Just once, I would like something in my life to not turn out shitty. Just once! And yet, how can I not think that maybe I am still paying for my past sins? When will my karma restitution be paid? How is it possible that I got screwed over twice with fathers? One who never wanted me and another who never will even know me." I turned back to him and walked back over to the table and snatched up the paper that Jenks had left, "I just wanted to be happy and all I get is some stupid paper with some woman's name written upon it. So tell me, when do I get my happily ever after? Why am I doomed to live some shitty ass tragedy? "

Edward came quickly over and caught me before I could hit the ground.

"This isn't karma, Bella. This is…just shitty. And I know you feel like you will never be complete until you know him, but you already are complete. Knowing one person or another doesn't define you. I know you wanted to know him and you had this fantasy that he would make you feel wanted and whole, but you don't need him to make your life fulfilled. I will always love you. My family will always love you. You have a brother that loves you. Find hope in those around you and please believe that we will all be here for you."

I sniffled and couldn't press pause on the tears that continued to mar my face, but I wasn't able to comprehend Edward's words because I still felt cheated.

"Take me home." I whispered.

Edward nodded slowly and kissed my head before helping me up. This time, when I looked out the window of our car at the pedestrians on the sidewalk, I felt bitter for the lives that everyone seemed to have but me. I finally turned away and closed my eyes to block it all out.

Edward didn't push me to have dinner with him. He didn't question my resolve to spend the rest of the night in bed. However, he didn't leave me either. He didn't press me further to talk or try to say anymore to make it right. He didn't even push me to eat. He just let me sleep and sleep.

The next day was Christmas Eve and we were supposed to be going to the soup kitchen around noon and then my brother's dinner after, but I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to be left alone with Saint Agnes.

"Do you want me to cancel?" Edward asked at eleven.

"You should go…the kitchen always needs you."

"They need you two."

"No…they don't."

"Well, I'm not going to go without you." Edward declared, taking off his jacket.

"No. Please go. You'll make me feel really crappy if you don't go. I don't need you here babysitting me. It's not like I'm on suicide watch. I'll get over this. I'm great at getting over things. It's like a gift." I muttered.

Edward sighed and then put his coat back on. "Okay, but I think we should still go your brother's tonight. Emily and he are expecting us."

My only reply was to snuggle down further into my sheets. Edward, sensing a losing battle, told me that he loved me and then left for the soup kitchen.

I stared out the window to my garden for what seemed like hours with the name Eugene Hamilton bouncing around in my head. Even though he was dead, I still wondered what he was like. Who he was. I felt like this part of my life would never be closed until I found out.

Without even thinking, I rolled out of bed and quickly changed into clean clothes. I grabbed the piece of paper that sat next to my bed and was determined to search out Elise Hamilton. I had no idea whether she would be at the address that was written on the paper since it was Christmas Eve, but I didn't care. I needed to know.

I made the drive to this cute perfect little suburb outside of Los Angeles and inspected house after house until I found the one. It was a small one story house painted blue with a white door. I parked my car on the street and, with determination, I trekked across the street to the front door.

I knocked on the door, feeling no fear or nervousness that I thought I would have had. I believed all my feelings had left when I learned that my father wasn't alive.

A woman with one white streak in her dark hair opened the door and, instead of saying hello, she looked me over and sighed.

"Isabella Swan." She pulled her door open wider, "Why don't you come in?"

"You…know me?" I asked baffled.

"Yes, I have been waiting for this. I knew that someday it could be a possibility."

"How? I…" I shook my head, completely unprepared for this scenario.

"Come in, please."

I looked her over once more and then walked through her door. I looked around curiously at the home and found it to be in excellent condition, everything in its place and not a speck of dust or dirt anywhere. The couches had on that cheesy plastic covering and I noted the lack of television.

"Your father…my husband, I fear you must know he's is gone."

I nodded my head.

"He really wanted to meet you." She said.

"Then why didn't he?" I snapped. "If he knew I existed, then why didn't he?"

"You weren't even of age when he passed. He knew that any contact with you would not be welcomed by your father, Charles. He was waiting, but he feared that you may reject him or Charles would try to strike at him. Charles came to Eugene many years ago and threatened him with legal action. Eugene was just waiting until the day when Charles could no longer have custody over you." She sighed longingly, "But then he passed, and I think that was his greatest regret. My Eugene was a very cautious man and, even though he never knew you personally, he knew you."

She walked over toward her kitchen and grabbed a pitcher of water from the refrigerator with a couple of glasses.

"So, he was a coward. Couldn't even find it in him to find me. To tell me."

"Yes. He was." She stated.

She took a seat and poured us water while I stood still in my spot. I was so angry that I didn't want to share a glass of water with this woman.

"Eugene…met your mother at the country club she attended. He was a caddy for the greens and your mother…well, he said that she was something. You have to understand how scandalous this all would have been if anyone found out that your mother was sleeping with someone so below her. She never told Eugene that you were his, but he knew. Your mother and father, Charles, had their share of marital discord. It wasn't a secret, according to Eugene, that they had their issues and weren't sleeping with one another. When she found out she was pregnant, your mother seduced your father so he wouldn't divorce her and he would believe that you were his. When Eugene tried to confront your mother, she denied him and threatened that if he told anyone, she would ruin him. I don't think Eugene was ever the same after that."

I listened as this woman I had never met spun a story about my mother and it made me think of how much I was like her. When I believed Edward was homeless, how many times did I worry someone would find out about my friendship with him because I believed he was below me? This story told me more about myself then it did of any of the characters in it.

"I don't have much from Eugene but I kept some things I thought you might like to have if you ever did find your way here." She stood up and went over to the antique accordion desk and lifted the top. She pulled out a small bundle and walked back over and handed it to me. On top was a picture of the man who was my father.

I could no longer deny the need for a seat so I slowly sunk into the plastic covered couch and marveled at the man looking back at me. I had his eyes and his smile. It was like nothing I had ever experienced.

"How did you know him?" I asked softly.

"I met Eugene just a few short years after this. We worked together and shared common interests. I'm sorry to say that both of us are ruled by our fears and that made us compatible and able to understand one another."

"What was he afraid of?"

"Life. He wanted to see the world and to experience different things, but he was always afraid of getting hurt physically or mentally. He longed to do so much, but could never gather the courage up to go and do it. It took him ten years before he would agree to marry me and, even then, it was a small court house wedding with our reception only attended to by a couple of people. His life consisted of work and home. He died in a car accident, which I guess is rather ironic for how safe he always was. Sometimes, I wonder if I had been brave then maybe I could helped him have a more fulfilling life. I guess I'll never know."

She looked out the window and seemed lost in her memories. I looked back down at the picture and couldn't imagine living the life he must have had. Ruled by his fears, he was unable to live. I moved the picture aside and found an old musty copy of _Around The World In Eighty Days_ by Jules Verne.

"That was his favorite book, but he never read out of that copy so he had a paperback version that used to sit on his bedside table. That copy, I know was something he cherished. I know he would have wanted you to have it."

I was never much of a reader, so I doubt I would actually ever open the book much, but it was pretty with the inlaid gold detail on the cover. It would look nice sitting on my desk next to the dictionary Edward gave me.

"I also included some of the articles he had written. I thought you might like to see his work." She added.

"Work? He was a writer?" I asked.

"For a monthly journal. He wrote various articles on the histories of. He was a huge history buff and made a decent living writing about it."

"My boyfriend used to write for a newspaper." I stated offhandedly.

"Do you like to write, Isabella?"

"No. Not particularly."

"Well, I hope you find…something you're looking for in there." She gave me a small sad smile.

I gathered up the small pile of all that was left of my father and stood back up.

"Thank you…for meeting with me."

I walked toward the front door and Elise followed me.

"Isabella." She called after me before I walked out, "He loved you…you should know that. He…was proud of you."

"Proud of me? I was seventeen when he died, there wasn't much to be proud of."

"He knew of your academic accomplishments and knew you were going to be something."

I laughed ironically, "Well, I guess he was wrong."

I turned to walk back down the short path and I heard her say one last thing.

"Don't make the same mistakes. Don't be afraid of the world and all it's possibilities."

I sighed and gave her a short nod before leaving for good. I didn't have much. I would never truly learn anymore about my father then what was stated here today and that pierced my heart. I sat in my car looking over the stack she had gifted me and I opened the old book and thumbed through the pages absently. With resolve to shut this part of my life, I flipped to the end and saw on the last page something written upon it. A list.

The list wasn't labeled, but I could tell that this was some sort of bucket list. Things Eugene wanted to do before he died and, as I read over the list, it wasn't hard for me to know that he never did a one of them. I felt saddened for his life and how depressing it must have been to have dreams and never find the courage to go after them. And then a thought occurred to me. A silly, probably stupid, thought. I could succeed where he couldn't. I could help his dreams come true. It was such a silly thought, but it was the only way I could maybe find a way to be closer to him, to know him. I was about to set out and do what Eugene Hamilton could not do for himself.

I read the first item on the list and cringed. Somehow, I don't think Edward is going to find my little expedition all that great.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I also wanted to say thank you to all the new comers to the story. I have been reading your comments on Lottery of Life and enjoying them.

On a side note, every definition comes from Oxford dictionaries online.

Thanks to my wonderful beta, **Robstenvampgirl **for taking the time to help me out with all my stories.

Character credit to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.


	4. Chapter 4

Understanding: Syllabification: un·der·stand·ing **Adjective**.1) Sympathetically aware of other people's feelings; tolerant and forgiving. Example: _But being the tolerant, understanding guy that I am, I wanted to know more._

**CHAPTER FOUR**

"I have been calling you and calling you. Do you have any idea the thoughts that went through my mind?" Edward hissed.

I had arrived home and I was surprised to see Edward's car in the driveway. The second my key went into the door, the door flew open, startling me. Edward looked disheveled. I could tell that he had been running his hands through his hair and his face looked aged.

"Why are you so upset with me? The last time I checked I wasn't a prisoner to this house and you shouldn't have jumped to the worst possible conclusion."

"Of course I jumped that way. I left you alone and depressed, which I felt shitty for the whole time I was at the kitchen. I never should have left you, I'm sorry. I just…" He was holding back, but I could see his eyes coming down with the same condition I often suffered from.

"Bella, I can't lose you."

I set the stuff from my father down on the entry table and walked over to him, taking him in my arms.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, "And you won't. I promise."

I could hear him breathe a sigh of relief and then hold me tighter.

"So…where did you go?" He asked softly.

I pulled back from him and gave him a great big smile.

"I went and met with Elise Hamilton. Oh Edward…I was feeling so miserable and even as I left I felt miserable, but then I sat in the car with all the stuff she had given me that was Eugene's and I had a revelation."

"You went and met with her by yourself."

"She's not a psycho. I was fine." I defended.

However, she did have plastic covers for her furniture, so I could see how that could send off some warning bells but whatever, I quickly dismissed.

"Still…you should have, at the very least, let someone know where you were going in case she did turn out to be a psycho."

"My god, do you and your sister belong to some murder club? First she thinks my biological father could be a serial killer and then you think his widow is a psycho."

I grabbed my father's things from off the table and walked toward the living room.

"Maybe we just like to be cautious."

I turned instantly to Edward and smiled.

"My father was very cautious. Apparently too cautious, which is why I am going to need your support and understanding as I embark on a…colorful adventure."

Edward furrowed his brow, "I…always support you and all your hair-brained ideas."

"Perfect! That is exactly the kind of attitude I was looking for." I beamed, ignoring his previous comment.

"Wow, this meeting with Elise has really turned you around." Edward marveled.

"Not really. It was actually quite depressing as I heard all about my mother and her…ways. But, somehow, I found a way to inject meaning and light into my life where there was dark before. I can honor the father I never knew by doing all the things he always wanted to do but was too scared to do them."

"Do what kind of things? How do you know what he wanted to do?"

I pulled out some leftovers from the refrigerator, but Edward stopped me.

"We're going to your brother's soon."

"But I'm starving." I whined.

Edward sighed and gave me that look. I rolled my eyes and put the food back into the refrigerator.

"I know. I know."

Edward hated when I said that. I was allowed to be melodramatic, just not about food. I get where he was coming from, especially with our history, but sometimes he needed to lighten up. Edward handed me an apple and sat back down on the stool.

"So…as I was saying before the hyperbole police stepped in. I was going through the things that Elise had saved for me and I was feeling pretty low but, as I looked through this old, smelly book that Eugene apparently loved, I found a list written on the back page. It's really kind of funny when you think about it. It reminded me of the time you told me that there is never anything interesting on the back page of a book, when you ripped apart my dictionary and the whole time, on our friendship contract, was your real name. How many wars we both fought that could have been avoided if you had just let me read that back page…"

"Wait a minute." He interrupted. "If you had read my full name, we might not be where we are today. It was hell what we went through, but I wouldn't change a thing."

"Really?" I questioned pointedly, "So if you had to do it all over again, you would lie to me all over again?"

Edward knew he couldn't win so he clicked his tongue and smirked, "So this list. What exactly is on it?"

I gave him that superior winning look and pulled out the old book.

"Around The World In Eighty Days." He recited as he looked it over. "Hey, let me see that for a minute."

I furrowed my brow, but handed him the dirty book.

"Bella, this is a first edition." He admired.

"Cool?" I replied skeptically.

"This book is worth…a lot of money."

"Well, I'm not going to sell it, it belonged to my father." I stated, slightly offended. "We hardly need the money, Edward."

"Of course, I don't think you should sell it, but you should be mindful of it. I doubt your father would want you to carelessly throw around such an antique."

"Who said I was throwing it around?"

Edward held up his hands, surrendering, "I know. I'm sorry. I just want you to note the importance of this book. I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either, but this book means more to me than any monetary value."

"I know. I'm sorry. Please continue on with your new endeavor." He kissed me on the head and I turned to open the book. Now that Edward had put it in my mind that it was worth something, it made me nervous. I cautiously turned to the back page, and I noticed Edward cringing at the very idea that someone would write in something so valuable.

"It would really bother you if I were to just rip this sucker out right now."

Edward covered his eyes and winced, "Please don't do that."

"You ripped a page out of a book once. Here I go…rip, rip, rip." I taunted.

"Bella!"

"I'm only kidding. Geez, calm down." I sat a little taller and turned the book away from him so he couldn't read over my shoulder, "Okay, there's only ten, so I doubt it's going to take a long time to get through them. I should be done in like a month, which is perfect since I have a month off before school starts again."

I cleared my throat and scanned to item two on the list, wanting to leave the first one off for as long as possible since I knew the hell Edward would give me for it.

"Number one. Play a round at St. Andrews. I'm not sure what that means, but I'll figure it out."

"It's a golf course. It's like one of the first golf courses ever made." Edward explained.

I scrunched up my nose. "Golf…like with windmills and stuff."

Edward laughed.

"No, I think you know what kind of golf." He taunted.

"The boring kind that they show on TV during the day when no one is at home watching."

"That's the one." He snapped his fingers. He paused for a moment and then added, "Oh and it's in Scotland."

"SCOTLAND!" I shrieked. "Damn, daddy Eugene, you sure wanted to live large. I can't imagine traveling all the way to Scotland just to hit around a ball."

"I'm sure your father must have loved the game. It would be on any avid golfer's bucket list."

I shook my head and looked down to the next item on the list. "Number two. Fly in a hot air balloon."

"I like that one." Edward pulled me closer, "It's very romantic. Thank you, daddy Eugene."

"Okay, he's my daddy, when you say it, it just sounds creepy."

"Number three." Edward stated, with a smack to my ass.

"Number three." I announced. "Enter a pie eating contest."

Edward started laughing once more, "I think this is a genius list. I cannot wait to be by your side supporting you when you triumphantly cross each one of these off your list."

"Really? Well, just wait and remember you said that." I bit my lip, trying to hold back my smile. "Number four. Swim in a fountain."

"Which fountain?"

"He didn't say. I think it was just something he wanted to do, because he knows it's something you shouldn't do." I shrugged.

"You better do it late at night. Swan Enterprises has a fountain, and since it's technically your company…"

"It's not like he asked for the Trevi, I'll find a fountain without damaging my reputation in front of our employees. Thank you very much." I retorted. I looked back down at the list, "Number five. Get a traffic ticket. That shouldn't be too hard, cops love me."

"You better not do something reckless. I don't want you getting hurt for this." Edward replied seriously. I could tell that this list was starting to encroach upon territory he didn't want me to tangle in.

"Wow, and here I thought you were going to have a problem with numbers eight through ten."

"What happens on numbers eight through ten?" he asked worried.

"Number six." I stated, ignoring him once again. "Go scuba diving. Something I have always wanted to do and now, thanks to daddy Eugene, I will conquer this for him.

"Not too bad. A tropical island with my love. Thanks again, daddy Eugene."

"Edward." I warned. I gave him the eye and then continued on, "Number seven. Get a tattoo."

Edward recoiled from me. "I…never really liked them. Are you sure about this, Bella? You don't have to do everything on this list. I'm sure he would be happy if you left one or two off. Especially ones that last forever."

"I don't know what you're complaining about. I'm the one who's going to be stuck with a needle. But, don't worry; I'll get something tactful, like your name on my ass."

"The hell you will. Nobody is looking at your ass, except for me."

I looked at him for a couple of seconds and then, deciding to abandon the argument, I looked back down at the list.

"Number eight. Sky diving."

"No. " He stated with finality.

I rolled my eyes, "Number nine. Do something that frightens me. Talk about leaving it open for interpretation." I sighed, "I have no idea what I will do for that one yet."

"I could think of something." Edward replied coyly. "Marry me."

I sighed and looked him in the eye. "I'm not frightened of marrying you; I'm frightened of what comes after. So many marriages end in divorce, or end up with people miserable enough to cheat. I like what we have and I don't want to lose you either, but a big part of me tells me that I need to let you go, because I think you could be so much happier with someone who wants what you want in life, what I'm not sure I can give you."

He was already shaking his head emphatically.

"Bella, I only want you. I don't need all that other stuff…I just want to love you. There's no way I could ever love anyone else."

"I love you too but this other stuff, a baby, a family, is not easy to just give up and, if I truly love you, I need to let you go."

"Stop it! I don't want you talking like this. It's Christmas Eve and I deny your request to break up with me." He snapped. He stood up from his stool, "We have to get ready. We are not going to talk about this any further."

He turned away from me and briskly walked out of the room. I sighed and slide down to the stool, looking at the last item on the list, the one I had thought would trouble Edward the most, but he never gave me the chance to tell him.

I allowed him the bedroom to get ready in since I could feel the tension flowing through our house. It looked like Edward would not be getting his wish of a drama-less Christmas. I waited until he was in the shower to grab my makeup bag and dress, and then vamoosed to the second bathroom. I should've showered, but that would take me longer and the last thing I needed was grumpy Edward waiting for me to finish getting ready.

"You look beautiful." Edward said when I walked out of the bathroom.

"Thanks."

"I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I don't want you to think I'm mad at you or avoid me or stand ten feet away from me, like you're doing now…"

"I was trying to give you space."

"I never want space. Space is one of those nasty words like, breakup and mushy." He walked, came towards me.

"Mushy?"

"Yeah…I don't like the way it sounds. Mushy." He made a face.

"Good to know. But, we can't just ignore this topic like you want to. How many times do I not want to talk about things and, yet, you always make me. If you want to marry me, then you have to talk to me about the future. You can't just give up on want you really want in life. If you want kids then…I honestly don't know when or if I will ever be ready."

"We can talk about this, but not now. I don't want to ruin this Christmas with this."

"Okay. But don't plan on proposing to me until you are ready to face the realities I laid out for you." I turned to leave and he grabbed my hand quickly, pulling me back to him, he landed an expertly placed kiss to the mouth, which was somewhat amazing because, if he had spun me a little too much, his teeth could've collided with my nose and then our Christmas would have been spent at the E.R. But I digress.

Even though my brother and I were closer these days, we both unfortunately made family events awkward. I could tell that our significant others worked to try to bring Michael and I away from our past tradition of stiff and uncomfortable dinners. Of course, Emily had made a beautiful spread for the occasion. The four of us sat around a lavishly decorated table with miniature Christmas wreaths at each setting. She had an eye for the extras, which I'm sure would come to help her when Michael and she finally set their wedding date.

"So, we have finally set our wedding date." Michael announced.

"That's great. Congratulations." Edward replied. "When is the happy day?"

"July thirty-first." Emily answered.

"About damn time. Took you guys long enough."

"Bella." Edward scolded.

"I'm just sayin."

Michael rolled his eyes, "So when do you two happy birds plan on tying the knot?"

Of course I knew he was just saying that to rub it in. It didn't take a genius to realize that marriage was a foreign idea for me.

"We've only been dating a year. You two have been engaged for like ever." I retorted. "Plus, you're not getting any younger, Michael. Want to make sure those salmon can still swim upstream."

"Age is not your friend, Bella. I think I smell something…what is that smell? Rotting eggs?" He challenged.

"Okay, enough you two." Emily intervened. "Bella, I think that now would be a good time for me to ask you to be one of my bridesmaids."

I sat back in my chair, dumbfounded.

"But…we…don't really know one another." I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"You're going to be my sister…and I don't have a sister…so…I thought we would get to know one another better this way."

I looked over to Edward, and he was prompting me with the wave of his hand to say something.

"Oooo…kay?"

"Excellent. I can't wait. We are going to have so much fun. We rented out Vibiana and I want everything to look Victorian, with pink and white roses. I'm so excited." She gushed.

Edward tried holding it in as I looked over to him.

"Yea!" I said awkwardly.

Michael just shook his head at me and Emily continued on with her ranting.

"I want you in a pink dress with a big poofy skirt, just like the Victorians. And there's going to be cherub vases on the tables with bouquets of flowers coming out…"

"I'm so going to kill you for bringing me here." I whispered under my breath to Edward.

"Awe, I can't wait to see you in pink poofy dresses." He teased.

"So, Bella…what have you been up to?" Michael interrupted his fiancé's hysterics.

"Not much…I guess."

"Not much? The past couple of days haven't been, "not much."" Edward started. I gripped his leg under the table, stopping him from going further. He gave me a curious look, and I knew I would have to think fast as Michael was inspecting us.

"He's being stupid." I waved of Edward, "Don't worry about him."

"Come on. What's going on?" Michael asked.

I sighed and looked over to Edward, giving him the eye.

"Edward proposed and I said no."

Michael and Emily's jaw dropped. I could see Edward roll his eyes.

"Why would you say no? I thought you two were…in love?" Emily asked sadly.

"We are! I…just am not ready. I…we…still are new and we haven't really figured out everything yet. Can we just change the subject? I don't want to talk about this."

I dug back into my food and cracked my neck. A silence fell over the table, and it wasn't soon after that we found our way out the door for the evening.

"Bella." Michael called out for me. "Can I just…talk to you for a second? It will only take a second, Edward."

Edward nodded and proceeded toward the car.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Why did you say no?"

I laughed shortly and shook my head. "I have my reasons."

"Our parents really fucked us up. It took me a really long time to come to terms with marriage, but I know that what happened to you was worse than me, so please don't be stupid, Bella."

"What do you mean?" I put my hands in my pockets.

"You know what I mean." He looked directly in my eyes, "You are happy and you're in love. If you wait to get your shit together, to not be afraid all the time, you could miss out. Edward's a good guy. Don't fuck this up."

"Edward wants completely different things. He wants kids and stuff…I can't even fathom being a mother. Hell, I'm not even responsible enough to take care of a cat. Edward has to take care of Fluff n' Fold half the time."

"You're not as bad as you think you are, Bella. You're just lazy."

"Hey!" I complained.

"You are! You afraid of having kids because you know it's going to be hard work. Don't be stupid. I think you could be a wonderful mother if you ever pulled your head out of your ass."

"For shits sake, Michael! I'm only twenty-four." I exclaimed.

"Yes, and in some circles you'd have three kids by now."

"UGH!" I groaned. "I need time. I don't think that's a lot to ask for."

"Take your time then. Just don't be mad if Edward doesn't want to wait."

"That's a really shitty thing to say, Michael."

"I'm only telling you the truth. Merry Christmas, Bella."

He turned and walked back toward the house. I stood there lamenting our conversation and wanting to be anywhere but here. I slowly walked back to the car and got into the passenger side.

"Everything okay?" Edward probed.

I smiled shortly and nodded.

He narrowed his eyes at me, but then turned to the wheel and backed out of the driveway. I thought over and over the words my brother left me with. What does he know? He was five years older than me and he just now decided to settle down.

I looked over to Edward and saw him softly singing along to the song on the radio. I didn't want to lose this man. I knew then that I would never love anyone the way I loved him. I didn't want to be sitting somewhere when I was fifty, telling everybody at the old folks home how the man I loved got away. I thought back to what Elise said earlier about my biological father being afraid of life and I now knew that I was just like him. I was going to end up dying alone in some horrific accident, with only a bucket list written of things I wanted to do.

"NO!" I shouted.

"WHAT? What happened?" Edward skidded the car to a stop and looked around, panicked.

"Uh…uh…I'm sorry. I…I thought I saw something."

Edward breathed a sigh of relief and then took a hold of my hand, rubbing circles with his thumb.

"It's okay." He said.

I went back to looking out the window and thinking of that long list in the back of that old book. I am going to finish every last one of those damn things and then, no matter what, I will marry Edward Cullen.

"Even though some of the things on that list scare me…I'm really happy you're doing this, Bella. I think it will bring great meaning to you."

I looked over at him, surprised. Did he just read my mind? How did he know I was thinking about the list? Maybe we had gotten to that special place where we could communicate without saying a word.

"Yeah…I…think it will be a great opportunity for me." I replied.

He nodded and then I could see something light up in his eyes.

"You never told me what the last thing on the list was."

Shit.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Thank you for reading and reviewing!

The Lottery of Life was just nominated for an award. If you read the fic and liked it, please go and vote for the story over at Twifanfictionrecs dot com. I'd really appreciated it. You can vote from now until the end of the month, as many times as you wish.

A great big thank you to **Mina Rivera **for the beautiful banner she made for this story. I can't say enough how much I love it. You can check it out on my facebook page under Ashley Victoria. Thank you again.

Thank you again to my beta, **Robstenvampgirl **for her continuous work.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.


	5. Chapter 5

**Support**: Syllabification: sup·port **Verb**.1) Give approval, comfort or encouragement. Example: _Your spouse is there to comfort and support you, so depend on him or her a little._

**CHAPTER FIVE**

"Is…it something that will scare me?"

"Possibly."

Edward played with his chin as he went right back into a deep thought. I wasn't ready to tell him what the number one slash number ten item was. It was something rather trivial but I knew that Edward wouldn't like it so, when he asked me what the last item was on the list, I told him that I had given it some thought and currently didn't feel that now was the right time to divulge that information. Of course, Edward kept pestering me so we came up with a compromise, if he guessed it, I would tell him.

"Is it something life threatening."

"If…you find out…quite possibly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's something that may make you mad…may make you want to kill me or someone else. Depends on your frame of mind at the time." I replied.

He stood there staring at me and then finally shook his head, pulling back the bed sheets. "Let's just put this on pause. It's Christmas Eve and one year ago today, you allowed me back into your life. I want to celebrate how far we've come."

Edward slid into bed and started to pat the sheets suggestively.

"You want to have sex on Christmas?"

"Why not?"

"Because…it's the birth of our Lord…kinda creepy, if you ask me."

"You've never had sex on Christmas?" He asked, completely floored.

"I'm a good girl, I am." I replied in my best Eliza Doolittle.

"There's nothing creepy about it. We are two people in love who want to celebrate the birth of Christ in a…rather common fashion." Edward tried.

"Not in the eyes of God. To him we are two people copulating out-of-wedlock. We are sinners. Big fat sinners."

"Well then…light a candle and we'll do it in missionary."

"Blasphemy!" I shook my naughty finger at him.

"Well, we could have been married by now, if someone would have just said yes…I guess we could go into that conversation instead of me doing marvelous, delectable things to your beautiful body."

I jumped straight into bed. "Move on over, we're going straight to hell."

"But what a way to go." Edward replied, climbing on top of me.

He began to kiss me deeply, but I pushed him off and climbed on top.

"If I really am going to hell for this, I am sure as shit not going to waste this on missionary."

"So sodomy?"

"It's not your birthday, big boy."

"On my birthday?" He marveled.

"Ew! No! Now shut up and do me."

"So romantic."

"You don't get hearts and flowers on Christmas." I replied.

"Of course, that's only brought out for Valentine's day."

"Yep, and fireworks for the Fourth of July."

"What about Halloween?"

"Creepy, freaky sex."

"Damn, why couldn't it be Halloween?"

"And for Christmas?" I asked.

"Going straight to hell sex."

"Damn straight." I giggled.

I had just gotten my panties good and wet when Edward's cell phone started ringing.

"NOOOO!" I shook my fist in the air. "Thwarted again!"

"Just stop. We'll get back to this in a second." Edward leaned up and pulled his phone off the charger.

"It's my mom." He said, confused. He hit the talk button and I slid right off his lap, my erection completely shattered.

"Hey mom, what's up?"

I watched as Edward got up and walked over to the window, listening to whatever his mother had to say. It had to be important for her to call after midnight.

"Are you sure? Oh my god! We'll be right there."

Edward hung up and looked over to me, "My dad…he…he's in the hospital. We…I…have to go."

I jumped out of bed. "We have to go. Let's get dressed."

I saw Edward nod, but he looked completely lost. I had never seen him like this before. It really scared me, because I was the absolute worse person to help in these kinds of situations. I threw some clothes at Edward and, mindlessly, he dressed himself. I snatched my keys and took over with anything where thinking was involved. We made it to the hospital in rapid time and, for once in my life, finding the correct hospital room wasn't difficult. Edward looked in the window of where his dad laid inside and quickly stepped back.

"What's wrong?" I asked, worried.

"Uh…my mom…she's not in there."

"Okay, well we'll wait for her. I'm sure she's around here somewhere. Let's go in." I started to pull on the door, but Edward backed up.

"I should go find her. Something must be wrong. I need to find her."

"Edward, shouldn't you stay with your dad? Your mom will come along when she's done with whatever she's doing."

"No. You stay. I should go and help her." He backed away from me before spinning around and charging off in the opposite direction. I was left with a real conundrum. Go after Edward and help him with whatever he was dealing with, since he did look awfully upset, or go and stay with Carlisle, hoping Esme would find her son and bring him back. However, since hospitals were known for their maze like atmosphere and, suddenly, Edward had turned into Speedy Gonzalez, I chose to go in and sit with Carlisle.

I walked in cautiously, hoping to not wake the private room occupant. Carlisle was asleep and looked peaceful enough but, for the first time since I met the man, he did look aged. I walked closer toward the bed and stopped to let out a sigh as I stared down over his weak little body. I had no idea what was the matter with him but I prayed, for the Cullen's sake, that it wasn't too serious. I knew what it was like to lose such an important person in your life, and I wanted to spare Edward and his family that pain. How was Edward ever going to deal with the loss of his father? It's like the most horrific thing to go through.

"Bella." Carlisle's raspy voice sent me to jump back a step.

"Hey…how you doing?"

I wanted to smack my head the second I uttered those words. How you doing? Hello! How do you thing he's doing, Bella!

"Come closer." His raspy voice implored.

I looked around, momentarily wondering if I should even be engaging. He should rest, not lay here and keep me company. I slowly moved closer to his bed and sat down in the chair beside him.

"There's…something I need you to do for me. I don't have much time…"

My heart started to pick up, and I could even feel my eyes begin to water. Oh my god! He was going to die and, somehow, he wanted to use whatever few words he had left, on me.

"What is it?" I whispered.

"Take care of Edward…he loves you…promise me that you'll marry him. Promise me that you'll make my lovely wife a grandmother."

I shook the craziness out of my head and stuttered.

"But…uh…Alice is having a baby. She is making your lovely wife a grandmother."

"You're really arguing with a man on his death bed?" He struggled.

"No! I'm merely pointing out that if, for some god forsaken reason, Edward and I fail…she has Alice."

He opened his eyes wider and gave me a stern stare. "But Edward's has always been her favorite. An heir from him…promise me."

Carlisle began coughing and, sensing that my refusal was taking him for a turn of the worse, I quickly agreed.

"All right. I promise. I promise."

"You really promise? You're not just saying that because I'm dying, right? A promise like this is a horrible thing to go back on." He pushed.

"I know…but…like I said, I promise." I vowed.

Suddenly, Carlisle flipped the covers off and jumped out of the bed.

"Well, if you promise. I'm starting to feel loads better already." He smiled and did a little dance.

"You…you…this was all a lie?" I screeched.

"Not entirely. I was…brought to the hospital, but it was just a little scare. New healthier diet. Exercise. Less stress. You know how doctors can be." He grabbed his coat and began to put it on.

"How dare you!" I snapped.

Edward walked in with his mother and the rest of his brothers and sisters just in time to catch the end of my words.

"That was a horrible thing to do to me!"

"Bella!" Edward admonished.

"Good, you're here! Your father's not sick, but I'm about ready to kill him!"

"What did you do, Carlisle?" Esme scolded.

"He acted like he was dying to get me to agree to marrying Edward and then he also said he needed an heir, because he said that you liked Edward more than Alice."

"HEY!" Alice cried.

"It was…just a little fun. Couldn't help myself. I'm sorry, Bella, but you did promise." Carlisle replied.

"Oh, be damned with my promises. I just may never have sex with your son again, just out of spite!"

"What the hell!" Edward yelled.

"I'm not giving you an heir ever again!"

I pushed my way through the throngs of people toward the hospital hallway. I was so pissed off I could spit nails. I could hear Esme yelling at Carlisle as I left and, as much as I wanted to see him get his, I was using all my fury to push my legs. What a horrible thing to do to a person. I was genuinely worried for Carlisle and his family. I don't care if he was playing a prank; death is not something you should ever joke over.

"Bella!"

"Bella!"

Edward continued to yell after me until he caught up.

"Would you wait a second?" He grabbed my arm pulling me to a stop.

"NO! I want to go home. Stay with your father and have your brother drop you off later, but I am not staying here another minute."

"It was a prank…a horrible prank, I'll admit, but would you please just…give my father a chance to apologize properly? The man had a scare tonight and I don't want what ever is wrong with him to get worse. Please do this. For me."

"It was a scare, Edward. He has to eat better, exercise, and have less stress, but he's fine. I'm not asking you to choose between me or him. I want you to go back to him and be with your family, but I'm tired and I'm upset, and I meant every word I said to him and I was scared. Really scared because I thought for just a moment, when I was in there with him, that you were going to lose your father, and I knew how painful that would be. I was scared. I was scared for you."

Edward wiped the tear from off my cheek and kissed my head.

"I don't want you going home by yourself. Would you please just wait in the lobby? I won't be long. Please don't leave."

I sighed, feeling myself begin to calm.

"Fine, I'll be in the lobby."

"Thank you." Edward kissed me once more and then turned to go off and search for his family. I looked around the hall and struggled to find my way to the lobby. After a few confusing minutes, I was off and headed in the right direction. I walked slowly toward the lobby and found a generic chair to sit down in. Late night reruns of Jerry Springer playing in the background. I looked around at my depressing surroundings. I hated hospitals. Have I said that enough? I HATED HOSPITIALS!

I looked out the window and noticed that it must have rained while we were inside. The pavement glistened all the way out toward the street and over toward the beautiful lighted fountain that graced the entrance. The water was peaceful to watch and it helped calm my nerves from the previous events.

Fountain.

Number four. Swim in a fountain.

I stood up and, for a second, a foreboding thought tried to occupy my brain, but then it was quickly abandoned. I made my way out toward the fountain and dropped my purse down beside me. I studied it for a moment and then, without a single thing stopping me, I stepped over the short step, straight into the water. The water came up to my knees and I could feel it invade my shoes, making my toes feel squishy under the fabric.

"Bella!" Edward ran out, shouting at me. His entire family behind him, all giving me mixed looks of concern.

"Number four." I called back.

Edward sighed and looked around for a second. He gave me a wave of his hand and replied, "All right… I support you."

I smiled and sunk into the water, making my way toward where the water was falling. With the way it was all lit up, it was absolutely divine. It felt freeing, like the most incredibly freeing moment of my life. The coins from wish makers glistened below me. I laughed and splashed the water all around. I could see Edward standing there with his family, while they peppered him with questions. I guess it was weird to see your son's or brother's girlfriend just step off into a public fountain and go for a swim.

The spectators standing outside my pool may think that I had officially lost it and pondered whether or not this hospital had a good psych ward, but as I floated and swam in maybe the prettiest pool I would ever swim in, I was happy that my bio-dad had placed this on his list.

"Okay, sweetie. I think security has been called, so I'd say you have about five seconds before they cart you off to the white padded room."

Edward held out his hand to me and I figured that bucket list number four was good and finished, so I took his hand and pushed myself up and out. Edward placed his jacket around me and then looked off toward his family.

"So, I guess we'll see you in a couple of hours for Christmas dinner." And without waiting for an answer, Edward steered me toward the parking garage.

"What did you tell them?" I wondered.

"Not a thing. I thought it would be funner to leave them there scratching their heads and wondering what sent you over the deep end."

"Funner is not a word, Ivy boy."

"It's not my fault you're with a simpleton."

"Then take me home, simple Simon!"

"My pleasure…always my pleasure."

We never made it to our Christmas sex, and I somehow wondered if forces intervened on our behalf to keep our souls intact. However, I was awoken the next morning by a mixture of the holiday scents in the air as Edward, true to form, had a special holiday breakfast all whipped up. I was also awoken by the sound of looters as I caught Edward stalking my night stand.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you are so predictable?" I mumbled from the security of my amazing bed.

When I had decided to not fill Edward in on the remaining item on the list, I knew that I would need to hide the book. So last night, I waited until he was in the bathroom having his nightly constitutional to hide my book in the back of the closet, behind all those damn suits. I figured it was a safe place since, like I have told him before, he will never have a need for all those damn suits again. As an added bonus, when I finally did show him that the book had been right under his nose all along, he would see why my argument was valid.

Edward straightened up from where he was crouching by the night stand and sighed.

"I'm only predictable because you won't tell me what the last thing on that list was."

"Would it make you feel better if I told you that the last thing on the list was actually the first thing on the list?" I asked.

"Depends. If you were planning on doing the list in order then I would say yes. However, since you decided to reenact the theme song to _Friends_ last night, I will say probably not." He smiled and then finally joined me in bed. "Maybe I can convince you with my talents to tell me."

He started to kiss me, but I pulled back and pushed him away.

"Morning breath." I reminded him, rolling out the other side of the bed.

"I don't care." He complained.

"I do." I sang, "Gotta keep some of the mystery."

"You know, I really can't imagine a better way of celebrating the birth of our Lord then to make love here upon this beautiful bed of ours."

"Not this old nut again. I think going straight to hell sex went straight out the window after last night. But two points for your sacrilegious nature."

"Says the woman who names her bed after the patron saint of virgins."

"I'm not a Catholic. So those rules don't apply to me." I winked and closed the bathroom door on him.

I have to say there was something extra special about a man who would cook you breakfast. We're talking apple cider pancakes and with, one of my favorites this time of year, eggnog. It was amazing how spoiled I had become in such a short time. Edward sat down beside me at our dining table and paused before picking up his fork.

"What is it?" I asked, wanting to dive in already.

"Do you want your gift now?" Edward asked.

"Santa Claus came?" I teased.

"Santa Edward did indeed." He stood up and walked to our small tree in the corner. He brought back a huge lumpy package and set it on the table. I looked at it, perplexed at what could make such a shape.

"Is it a blender?" I quipped, "You know how much I love gifts that set women back sixty years."

"Damn, they were all out of blenders at the store, but maybe it's a new dishwasher, if you're lucky."

"Damn feminism. I could be sitting on a couch, eating bon bons, while you bring home the bacon."

"You…do sit on the couch…and I do bring home the bacon." He replied.

"Yeah, leftover bacon cheeseburgers."

"Just open the damn gift, little woman."

I huffed and gave him a taxing look before shredding the paper off his gift like a Weed Wacker.

"It's a…blanket." I replied, confused. "How…romantic?"

"Well, you're always complaining that you're cold when you're sitting on the couch so…I thought you might like a blanket."

"Its just the bee's knee's." I smiled up at him. "I'm loving this gift, because I now know that I won. I so got you a better gift." I jumped up from my seat and skipped over to the tree to bring back an envelope.

"You didn't win. There is nothing to win. Giving gifts out of the love in your heart doesn't constitute a winner." Edward stated.

"That's just what losers say."

"An envelope. Please tell me there's not a gift card in here for Walmart or something. Because then, you definitely did not win."

"But you love those boys in blue."

He ripped open the envelope and found an obscene Christmas card inside. After a little chuckle, he opened the card and a slip of paper fell to the floor. He snatched up the paper and sighed before reading it over.

"Is this…" He started.

"Is this for real?" He asked.

I smiled and shook my head.

"But how? Where? Who?"

"An Edward loss for words. I definitely won!"

"A cooking lesson with Chef Campagna. How in the world did you do this?" Edward asked, completely floored.

"That charity auction that Angela arranged in September. It was one of the items up for bid, and I knew how much you love cooking and Campagna. Seemed like a great idea at the time."

"This is a great idea. Thank you so much, baby." Edward kissed me good and proper, and I was ecstatic that our first holiday gift foray went off without a hitch.

"However, I still think I won."

"Um…yeah the blanket is really great, baby, but…come on..." I gave him the sad little consolation prize look that one would give to their losing opponent. "Blanket. Cooking lesson with famous chef…that is a tough one. But I love my blanket and, in the end, that is what really counts right?"

"You didn't even open the blanket. If you had, you would have found that it was much more than just a blanket."

I pulled back and looked at him questioningly. I walked over to where I had left the blanket and slowly pulled the blue blanket open. In the corner, in small white embroidery, was the Oxford crest.

"You…got me an Oxford blanket. Even though I'm going to UCLA. I don't know how my Alma Mater will feel about this high treason."

"I got you an Oxford blanket." Edward repeated.

"Uh…thank you?"

"I got you the Oxford blanket, because I thought it would be nice to go and visit the Oxford University."

"Huh?"

"You never had a chance to go there and really rule it out for a future. You could still go there, you know."

I smirked and sat back down in my chair next to him. "Edward, I really appreciate this, but I can barely get by at UCLA…I don't think a more grueling school is going to be a better future for me, that is, if I could even get in. Plus, you're not going to uproot yourself and go with me and I don't want to live in a world where there are no apple cider pancakes waiting for me when I wake up in the morning."

"I can go anywhere and do what I do. The world is certainly not lacking in underprivileged or needy people. I want you to make your dreams come true. I already bought the tickets so, come Spring break, instead of going off to some skanky island where minimal clothing is mandatory, we're going to broaden our intellectual horizons."

"But it was my turn to flash the cameras." I whined.

"Flash the boys at Oxford. Trust me, it will yield far better results."

I pulled myself over to Edward's lap and kissed him.

"I'm not saying that I will attend Oxford, but I can't imagine anything better than going and seeing it with you."

"All I can ask for is an open mind." He replied, and then leaned in to kiss me again. "And, I so won."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Thank you for reading and reviewing! If you don't read Loathing You, I posted earlier this week that due to work restraints I am unable to write as often so the posting may slower. I am working hard to get these chapters out to you and don't want you to feel abandon. Also I am rereading Crossfade and am hoping to post a new chapter next month.

Once again I just wanted to say:

The Lottery of Life was nominated for an award. If you read the fic and liked it, please go and vote for the story over at Twifanfictionrecs dot com. I'd really appreciated it. You can vote from now until the end of the month, as many times as you wish.

A great big thank you to **Mina Rivera **for the beautiful banner she made for this story. I can't say enough how much I love it. You can check it out on my facebook page under Ashley Victoria. Thank you again.

And it was all up to my amazing beta, **Robstenvampgirl **for her quick work to get this back to me so I could get it to you .

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.


	6. Chapter 6

FAMILY: Syllabification: fam·i·ly **Noun**.1) A group of people related to one another by blood or marriage. Example: _What matters most is that their families and friends fully support their marriage._

**CHAPTER SIX**

There is no better feeling in the world then to have a fire crackling in the fireplace, a hot mug of cocoa in my hand and my boyfriend, the man I love sitting on the opposite side of the couch, massaging my feet. With the Christmas gifts long forgotten, I sat staring out the window to the garden and baring witness to cool seventy degree temps of Southern California during the holiday season. How I wished for snow. There is nothing more magical than the beautiful blanket of snow on Christmas day and it is something I had yet to experience.

I pulled out my book from the side table and scribbled something down inside it.

Experience snow on Christmas morning.

"Whatcha doin over there?" Edward's voice called me out of my day dreaming.

I smiled over at him and closed the book, placing it back on the table. I pulled my legs up and slowly crawled over to him, a feat I will tell you.

"Wanna have sex?" I smiled mischievously. I straddled his legs and felt him rest his hands on my butt.

"You know we don't have the time."

"Says who? It's Christmas…all we have is time."

"Bella." His tone warned. "We have to be at my parents' house in an hour."

I began to pout. "Well, technically…we don't have to be anywhere we don't want to be. We are fully grown adults who are capable of making their own decisions. It's about time we cut the umbilical cords and end our rally with a, Hell no! We won't go!"

"You love Christmas dinner at my parents' house. Last year, I had to pry you away from the dinner table so we could open gifts."

"I wasn't that bad." I rolled my eyes.

"The only way you would come is if you were allowed to bring the rest of your lamb."

"It's not my fault your freaky family eats so quickly. I hadn't consumed a decent meal in days, of course I was hungry. Of course, I wanted to finish my meal." I defended.

"You ate a whole rack of lamb on your own. You scared the wait staff."

"Fine! I'm a fat ass." I exclaimed pulling myself off of him, "Why don't you just go and tell it on the mountain for Pete sakes."

"Or you could just tell me the truth, Bella. I know it may taste foreign in your mouth but don't worry, that will pass."

I stood facing the fire with my back turned.

"Tell me, Bella. Say, I don't want to go to your family's house today because your father upset me."

I stood there not saying a word.

"Okay, fine. You don't want to converse with me, I will have this whole discussion without you. Ladies and gentleman, tonight the role of the ever so stubborn, Bella Swan will be played by the multi-talented, Edward Cullen." He cleared his throat and I could tell he stood up by how close he suddenly became to me, "I don't want to go to your family's house tonight. But darling, don't you know it's Christmas and they'll be expecting us?"

I rolled my eyes at his attempt of humor.

"I don't care. I'm upset and I want to sit here and wallow my whole night away. I don't want the rack of lamb or the Oreo marshmallow chocolate pie your mom made especially for me."

Damn, I had forgotten about the pie.

"Oh honey, don't you know that you don't have a choice. I am building a time machine and sending us back a hundred years. I'm the man of the household and you will do what you're told. Now get in that bathroom and remove some of that makeup, I can't be seen with a painted lady."

I turned around and looked at him disgusted. "Excuse me? Do what I'm told?"

"Hey, got you to talk to me." Edward winked.

"You're stupid." I grumbled.

"I know you are but what am I?" He teased. He pulled me closer to him and I half-heartedly fought him. "Please, this means the world to me, you know that right?"

I sighed, "Of course I know that. You actually like your family."

"You have Michael." He reminded.

"Yeah…I have Michael."

"And…my family will be your family someday. I have faith that it will be so."

"Well, Nineteen fourteen Edward, good luck on negotiating that dowry. Whichever father of mine you decide to petition, I think you'll have your work cut out for you."

"Bella…it's Christmas….so can we go?"

"I would never deny you a chance to spend time with your family on a major holiday. I will sit at the opposite side of the table from your father."

"My mom has always sat us in a specific order…Bella…it's Christmas, for me can't you just forget what my father did to you? Please."

I could sense the frustration and I hated that I was causing this turmoil but I was also a tad irritated that he didn't seemed at all upset by what his father did.

"Fine." I turned quickly and headed off to the bedroom to find suitable attire for the Cullen Casa. I pulled out some black slacks and a cashmere sweater. Edward came into the closet and I could feel him watching me as he picked out what he was going to wear.

"Is that what you're wearing?" He asked cautiously.

"Is there a problem?" I huffed looking over to him. "Sure, it's not my best attire for my visit to Versailles but I thought it was decent enough."

He sighed and shook his head looking back to the closet.

"It's just…mom requested red for the family photo…remember?"

Fuck! I forgot about the request. At the time, I hadn't really thought about accepting Esme's wish but now I wanted to wear a color that best represented my mood.

"I shouldn't even be in the family photo. I'm not family…yet at least. It's weird."

I could see Edward debating in his mind if he wanted to go into battle. Most of the time lately, he would let it past and just smile at me a "fine" and then move on but as I saw his eyes become narrower, I readied my infantry.

"My mother isn't the one you're upset with. You agreed to wear red two weeks ago, Bella. In fact, you even went out to your favorite boutique that you hadn't been to in months to purchase the red dress you just had to have. A wastefully expensive dress but it's the one you wanted and now you're not even going to wear it?"

"It's too cold for the dress and who cares if I come in red or not. I'm not going to be in the stupid photo. I wasn't in the one last year so what's the big deal if I'm not in this one."

"We didn't take one last year and don't give me that crap about your dress not being weather friendly, we'll be inside the whole day which is what you told me when I pointed out that you may be too cold to wear that dress in the first place but you just had to have it. So wear the damn dress!"

I grabbed the garment bag and stormed off toward the restroom. I was absolutely furious as I pulled off the tags and unzipped the silly red dress I had bought. I slid right into it and it was a shame that I did love this dress because right now, I wanted to hate it. I came out of the bathroom to find Edward in his black pants and red sweater while he dabbed on some cologne.

I looked at him in the mirror as I started to touch-up my makeup. I could see his challenging gaze back at me so I decided to inform him of a few fetching points to his new demeanor.

"Just so you know, if this is going to be a thing…this whole nineteen fourteen Edward who tells me what to do and what to wear, then I think I should tell you that it was highly inappropriate back in the early nineteen hundreds for a man to live with a woman before marriage. So…if you want to keep up this charade then I suggest you move out."

He turned sharply toward me and walked straight up to me till he was mere inches from my face.

"I will out when you move back in with your father. If that is really how you want to play this."

I turned and stared directly into his eyes and I could see the fury behind them but I also saw defeat and that made me feel defeated as well because I didn't like seeing Edward in pain or hurting which is why I was so upset about the Carlisle thing. I thought he was going to die and I hadn't known him too long so of course I would be sad but knowing Edward was going to be in pain was unbearable.

I did the only thing I could think of to get us both out of this funk. It was Christmas and there were certain things that should be exempt from Christmas and one of those things is fighting. Peace on earth and all that crap.

I launched myself at Edward and thankfully he accepted or else the moment my mouth collided with his, it could have turned very ugly but, not my Edward. He knew to just go with it and accept my offering. Quickly he lifted me up onto the sink and began to lift my dress moving quickly on to his pants as he wrestled the zipper down.

"Wait!" I pulled back stopping us, "Let me take off the dress first."

"Bella." He complained. "This in the moment thing doesn't work if you have stipulations."

"But this dress is expensive and sometimes you get downright violent with my clothing. If you annihilate this dress, then I will have nothing red to wear for your family photo."

He thought about it for two seconds before pulling me off of the sink. He rushed to pull me out of the dress and then tossed it aside. Before I could reprimand him about wrinkles he flipped me around and bent me over, pushing straight into me.

"Wrinkles." I tried to get out.

"You weren't wearing panties…you were going to my parents' house without panties." He grunted.

"It was all payback…planned on flashing your brother during gift giving."

I felt a slap come across my ass and I yet out a scream.

"Edward!" I admonished.

"That's what you get for being crude. Now shut up while I fuck you."

His rhythm quickened and his grip on my ass tightened. I met him thrust for thrust, desperate for my own release. I knew that Edward never held out long for makeup sex…angry sex…nearly any kind of sex unless it was love-making which was well and fine but lovemaking was like a marathon event. You had to have the proper stamina, chug a crap ton of water, eat pasta the night before…

"Come on!" Edward grunted.

What the hell was I doing thinking of pasta and water at a time like this? I looked down and saw a stray hair on the sink and reached out to grab it.

"Bella! What is the matter with you?" Edward skid to a halt and I looked up at him through the mirror.

"I don't know. I don't like this position….I get too easily distracted when I can't see your face." I stuttered.

"You're kind of hurting my ego over here." He huffed pulling out of me.

He turned me around and slide straight into me.

"Now…is there anything else you need for ambiance or can we cum now?"

"Commence with cuming." I waved him on.

"I could find some candles….put on a Marvin Gaye CD. Make a bed of roses…"

"All right, I get it!" I snapped. "Just looking at your cum face is all I need to get off. Giddy up!"

Edward shook his head and then started once more. This time I could focus on the big show and it didn't take me long to be screaming expletives that would make a sailor blush. We didn't even make it back to the bed, instead, Edward pulled me to the ground with him and the cool tile was a welcome relief from our sweaty bodies.

"Were you really going panty-less to my parents?" He asked after I had finally caught my breath.

"My own form of revenge."

"And you were also planning on flashing my brother?"

"Yeah and I was also planning on thinking dirty thoughts so I could leave a nice juicy stain on your mother's couch."

"Bella."

"Obviously I'm joking." Duh!

We were both quiet for a few minute while we contemplated. I was contemplating spending the rest of my life down on the cool tile but Edward looked like he was contemplating something weightier.

"I…think…I would kill anyone who ever got a look at your goods."

I pushed myself to look at him. "Are you serious? Because you know there have been a few riders who have come before you that got a look at the goods. Are you going to search them out and kill them too or is this just for newcomers?"

"There isn't going to be any newcomers." He snapped.

"Whoa, I'm just screwing with you, Edward." I held up my hands. "Is…everything okay?"

He sighed and looked toward the clock. "We're going to be late."

He picked himself up and gathered his clothes walking away from me while I laid on the ground wondering what the fuck just happened. I didn't see Edward again until I met him at our front door, still brooding over whatever was going on with him. Silently we left the house and got into the car and it wasn't a whole lot better the whole drive to his parents' house. I could feel the unbearable tension and knowing I was going to have to deal with Carlisle on top of all this, made me want to turn the car around…if I was driving of course.

We pulled up to the illustrious estate of Cullen and after a nice thirty minute silent drive, I was not about to enter that house without a word with Edward first.

"Hold it." I requested as Edward went to open his door. "I am not getting out of this car until you tell me what the hell is going on with you? Now, I will admit that this morning's discussion was rather intense and I say discussion since there is no fighting on Christmas but then I thought we had a very nice round of angry makeup sex and suddenly you're positively violent over something I was never planning on doing and I am not going into your family's house with not even one ally on my side."

"Alice." He stated. "I'm pretty sure she likes you more than me."

"So…you're not on my side?" I asked.

"I never said that."

"Because if you're not for me then you're against me."

"I never said I was against you." He replied flustered.

"Who said that exactly? I mean who was the first…because I know there are numerous people throughout history and plus some rather frightful characters in pop culture…"

"It's from the Bible, Bella." Edward cut off to stop me from a rant. "Matthew twelve-thirty, whomever is not with me is against me."

"Oh well, you really do learn something new every day."

"Bella." He said my name and then took a pause. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to describe it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm losing you and…"

"What! Why would you think that? Because I challenge you and your thinking? You think I want out…well…I mean…I only want out because I want better for you." I said remembering why he may suddenly feel that way. "Isn't that what people who love people do? They want to give them the best even if that means they have to let that person go?"

"I don't want you to go." He replied softly.

"Then…I'm here. But…I may not want to be here if you keep sulking. Good lord knows that this relationship cannot work with too overly emo people. This week was my week. I will be sure to pass on the eyeliner and crown of deaden black roses onto you for next week, deal?"

He smiled and looked at me with his lighter eyes. "Deal."

I leaned over and kissed him one more time for good measure and then went to exit the car.

"It really is a tad too cold for this dress after all." I said rubbing my bear arms. "Hurry! I want to get into the house."

Edward pulled the box out of the back with our Christmas gifts and trotted along after me. We walked up to the looming dark wooden door and rapped on the knocker a couple of times. How I wished this home was just a tad smaller so that it wouldn't take a person ten minutes to locate the door. I could feel my legs and arms bump up from the cold and Edward stood there, all knowing that he was right about this dress.

"Welcome!" Esme greeted us, "Ooo Bella you must be freezing."

Esme, dressed in a cherry red skirt and a top with crystals embedded into it, pulled us into the foyer and I was never happier for heat then at that moment.

"I tried telling her that it was more of a summer dress." Edward laughed.

"It was the only thing in red I could find." I defended.

"Well, you are the last to arrive. Everyone's in the common room having a drink. Edward, why don't you go ahead…I want to speak to Bella for a moment."

My eyes popped a little wide and I looked over to Edward giving him that certain look. Come on, ally!

"Okay mother." He smiled at me and turned on his heel while Esme wrapped her arm around my shoulders and steered me into the office off to the side.

"What would you like to speak about, Esme?" I had hoped my voice didn't give away my trepidation but I looked down at my hands and quickly stopped from wringing them.

"I wanted to apologize to you for last night. I…don't know what my husband was thinking but I hope you can forgive us. It's very important that our relationship wasn't hindered because of some silly albeit stupid joke."

"I was never upset with you, Esme."

"I know but you're upset with my husband and so by extension me. Someday you'll understand. Carlisle played a cruel joke on you, I'm sure it had to have hurt but we were heart-broken when we heard you had turned down Edward's proposal and I think Carlisle saw an opportunity to ensure that in the end you will make the right choice."

I laughed shortly, "You know it's funny but it seems silly that you would want Edward to be with me. Normally people in your position in society would want better for their children. People with the proper breeding and education. I don't have either anymore. My biological father was no more than a caddy at a golf club and I haven't obtained any degrees…hell I'm not even good enough to be a housewife. I don't know how to cook. Edward complains that I'm messy. I have no maternal instinct…"

"And my son still loves you in spite of all that. Which tells me that there must be something special about you."

"Or I'm just really good at sex."

"Well…then that's something." Esme replied, rolling with the punches. "But, I think you're being a little too critical of yourself."

I shrugged.

"Let's get you some dinner. I know how much you loved the lamb last year." Esme linked her arm with mine. "So, are we good?"

I looked at her worried eyes and I returned her question with a small head nod.

The party was under way as we arrived finally. I could see the table lined with all my favorites and I swear, that alone was enough to get me to say yes to Edward's proposal. I greeted everyone with a standard hello and then Esme called everyone to dinner. I could see Carlisle in my peripheral and I tried not to make eye contact but I could see him sitting in his high back chair watching me.

"So what did my mom want to talk to you about?" Edward asked handing me a martini.

"She wondered about our sex life."

"What?" He gasped.

I shrugged once more, "Ask her yourself. I thought it was rather strange too but hey, it's your mom. I couldn't very well lie to her. But don't worry I gave her an outstanding progress report."

"Please tell me you're joking."

"Well…sex was mentioned…but we can talk about that later. Emmett!" I called out, "You better leave that lamb to me."

"Hell no! I got get in there quick or god knows I won't get any again like last year." Emmett challenged.

We all took our seats at the table and after Carlisle said a brief prayer, we all jumped on the food like a pack of ravaged beasts. We rotated the dishes to the left and filled our plates while discussion broke out.

"So…are we going to talk about the elephant in the room or not?" Emmett announced.

"Why would we want to talk about you?" I quipped and everyone laughed.

"Well, I'm not the one off her rocker, dancing around in fountains and shit." He replied and Esme smacked him upside the head.

"You see. There is a method to my mom's seating chart. This way she can keep Emmett in check." Edward whispered to me.

"It was a rather curious thing." Alice cringed looking at me.

I sighed and prepared my statement, "I found out that my biological father is dead and it was a little hard to handle but when I met with his widow yesterday, she gave me an old book of his. In the back of the book was a list of ten things he always wanted to do so…I know this sounds stupid but I thought that if I could fulfill his magical bucket list then maybe I can feel like I knew him…be closer to him. Something I will never have."

"So swimming in a fountain." Rosalie replied.

"Number four." Alice said.

"Number four." I repeated.

"Well, I think that's a lovely idea and a great way to honor your father." Esme smiled.

"What kind of other things are on the list…you know just so we have an explanation next time you're being weird." Emmett laughed.

"All kinds of things." I said through a mouth full of lamb. "I have to get a tattoo, go scuba diving…go in a hot air balloon…"

"Enter a pie eating contest." Edward interjected.

"That's awesome!" Emmett bellowed. "I have to see that."

"Sky diving, and a really vague one on doing something that frightens me." I rambled.

"Well, that would be two birds one stone for me." Rosalie commented.

"Get a traffic ticket and go to some boring golf course in Scotland and play a round and apparently it's not the fun kind of golf with windmills and stuff."

"St. Andrews?" Carlisle finally spoke up. So far he had yet to say anything to me or anything at dinner except for the prayer.

"Uh…yeah…St. Andrews. How did you know?" I asked.

"It's probably the most famous golf course in the world but it can be rather tough to get tee time." He replied.

"Tea time? You have to drink tea too?"

Everyone laughed. "No Bella. T-E-E not T-E-A." Edward spelled out.

"If you like, we have a residence there and I could talk to the club to get you a time set up." Carlisle offered.

"Thanks but we will probably have to hold off on the trip to Scotland for a while. We need to save up money for that kind of endeavor." Edward replied.

"Dude, you're girlfriend's loaded and you're not exactly doing so poorly yourself." Emmett replied.

"That's not the point, Emmett. We aren't going to be frivolous with our money any longer." Edward countered.

"Whatever." Emmett rolled his eyes and internally I wanted to do the same.

"Well then, I'll pay for it. We can go for New Year's with the whole family." Carlisle proclaimed.

"Scotland? For New Years?" Alice had hope in her eyes, "How romantic. It could be like a baby moon."

"Plus I hear that the Scottish men are mighty tasty." Rosalie added with a wink.

"Hey!"

"I don't know how I feel about this now." Edward added.

"Don't worry Edward, contrary to what you may believe, the last thing I want to do is be with a man who looks better in a skirt then I do."

"There it's settled. I will call the residence and tell them to expect our arrival. " Esme added.

"I'm honored really but you guys don't need to do all this. It's…too much." I stated awkwardly.

The room was quiet and I wondered if I had offended them somehow. I could see a few head shakes and looks of concern.

"She still doesn't get it." Emmett said.

"I know." Edward replied.

"Get what?" I asked confused.

"That even though you and Edward aren't married, Bella…you're still family." Carlisle declared. "And family will always be there for one another no matter what. You are family."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Thank you soo much for reading and reviewing. I want to welcome newcomers to the story. I know that some of you have recently come over thanks to **Twifanfictionrecs** dot com who recently names **The Lottery of Life** one of the ten best completed fics of September. Thank you again Twifanfictionrecs and thank you soo much for all of you who took the time to vote. I am truly honored!

Thank you to my wonderful beta, **Robstenvampgirl **for her continued work on all of my stories! You're the best!

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.


	7. Chapter 7

**HEARTBREAK**: Syllabification: heart·break **Noun**.1) Overwhelming distress. Example: _An unforgettable tale of joy and heartbreak._

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

I struggled the whole trip down the hallway as I heaved along my Louis Vuitton travel trunk from where I had stowed it in the extra guest bedroom. I couldn't imagine the amount of ruckus I was making and it caused me to pause and wonder if I should have waited for Edward to come home to do the heavy lifting. I could feel beads of sweat and I couldn't even begin to imagine how heavy this sucker was going to be the minute I added my personals.

On with the heave. But what's that I hear? The jangling of keys.

I drop the trunk and skip over to the door just in time to scare the crap out of my love.

"Oh Romeo, Romeo, art thou is here!" I bellowed.

"Geez, give a man a heart attack." Edward complained.

"Might just be better than poison."

"As much as I'm fond of this heart stopping welcome…what do you want?" He asked, cutting to the chase.

I feigned shock, "A girl can't be happy to see her love come home to her?"

"Bella." He warned.

"I need a muscley Romeo to help get my travel trunk into the bedroom." I pointed down the hallway, "Over there, if you please."

He walked over and looked down the hallway, scratching his head while appraising my trunk.

"You…you're not taking that to Scotland."

"Why not?"

"Bella, it's monstrous. The first class passengers on the Titanic could fit all their belongings in that."

I walked over to my trunk and gently patted the top of it. "But it's pretty and we have to pack warm, because it's probably snowing over there and warm clothes take up way more space."

"Why don't we find a more suitable suitcase?" He suggested.

"I don't have a more suitable suitcase. This is it as far as the travel department goes at Casa Swan, possibly hyphenated Hamilton. Still working that one out." The taste of the name change was still foreign to my lips. Bella Hamilton. Isabella Hamilton. Isabella Hamilton-Cullen.

"We could get you a suitcase." Edward offered.

"And spend precious money to find something new?" I mocked.

"Bella." He warned once more.

"What? You're the one who doesn't even want to go on this lavish vacay, even if it means I fit one more puzzle piece into my existence."

It was clear when we arrived home from Christmas dinner that he was not too happy with Carlisle's idea to pay for this quick trip to Scotland. He had been trying to prove that we could be self-sufficient on little money the past year. I was all for downsizing since I did manage to learn a thing or two about excess through my eye-opening time with homeless Edward but, still, sometimes it would be nice to have a nice meal or buy a nice outfit without having Captain Frugal ruining the day.

"Of course I want to see you fit your puzzle together, but we didn't have to go this second and we certainly didn't have to have my father pay for it. We could afford it after a couple of months of saving."

"Saving!" I exclaimed, "I don't have to save. I have a bank account which keeps my zeros after a rather large number company. I know you like to play poor Edward and Bella, but we're not poor. We don't have to save. Hell, I could finish this whole damn list in a week if I wanted to. I could pay to have every single one of these things done and done."

"Just because we have money doesn't mean we should spend it unwisely. Hasn't last year taught you anything?"

"YES! Last year taught me that there are people in this world who have very little or nothing at all, which is why I have donated money, lots and lots of money. Which is why I still go down and donate my time. But what do you want me to do? Give up everything? Will that make you happy, because I don't see why I should always feel bad for being able to have a nice safe house and the things that go into it, but if that's really the life you wanted to sign up for then by all means spit on me and my overindulgence and move along."

I threw my hands up and, overly frustrated, I headed toward the door, grabbing my car keys as I went. I could feel my skin heat and as the cool temperatures outside did little to calm it. I backed out of the driveway and was speeding down the street and, before I knew what I was doing, I ended up at the worst possible place an ex-junkie like myself could find themselves.

Barney's.

After all this time, I walked into the high-end store and it felt like nothing had changed and yet everything had changed as well. I took a moment to inhale the crisp Barney's air which was a mixture of leather, Chanel No. 5, and money. I felt my body begin to relax in ways even a decent massage couldn't do. It had been so so long and as I stood in the middle, my eyes wandering every which way, sadly, a part of me felt safe and at home.

I slowly walked toward the shoe department first, knowing that the last pair of designer shoes I had were not even last season; they were so old they were practically vintage.

"Is there anything in particular that you were looking for today?" A young woman approached as I gaped at the shoes around me.

My hand shook as it made its way into my purse to locate my membership card; my black American Express. I hand her the card as if I'm passing off a baby kitten and breathe a sigh of relief. The hard part is truly over.

"Charge it all."

Three hours later my car was filled to the brim. With what, I had no idea. It was like an outer body experience. I was a mad woman, but at least that poor sales girl had a very good start to the New Year with the commission I brought in for her. I was literally surrounded by boxes and bags and, I knew right then, there was no way I could go home like this. Edward would have a coronary for sure.

Frantically, I drove toward the old family building that was responsible for my abundance of funds. I didn't want to see Michael particularly, but I knew one person who could help me out of a jam. Angela and I had become good friends. The position that I asked her to fill was practically made for her. She had been able to take all the money that Swan Enterprises had donated and doubled its use with all her resources she had managed to track down.

The elevator stopped on the twelfth floor and I quickly hurried off, like at any moment someone would stop me from entering my own building. Mostly, I was afraid that Michael would find out that I was here and then that would lead to questions and those questions would lead to disappointed sighs and stares.

"Bella!" Angela greeted, surprised.

"Ang!" I quickly hugged her. "I need your help. I did something bad."

"Oh…uh…how bad?" She immediately traded her look of jubilation in for worry.

"Can you come down to the parking garage with me?"

No time for pleasantries here.

"O-kay. You…didn't kill anyone did you?" She said half-jokingly.

"No…but someone could very well be dead soon if you can't help me." I sighed.

Angela's eyes widened, but she nodded her head and waved for me to lead the way. We made it all the way down to the parking garage with my car still in its spot, loaded with all kinds of designer goodies.

"I may have gone a little overboard." I nibbled on my lip, waiting for her to assess the situation.

"You…went to Barney's. That's the big emergency."

"Yeah…I went to Barney's" I practically wailed.

"Bella, you said this was a matter of life or death."

"Yes! It is! Edward is going to kill me when he sees what I bought. You don't understand how he can be. He gets his undies in a twist when I buy brand name detergent. What do you think he will do with a seventy-eight thousand dollar bill?"

I began pacing, thinking of all the different shades I would see Edward's face turn before he erupted. Since we have been together, the most I have ever spent at one time, without his approval, was just under a thousand, and even then it had to be for extreme circumstances. I could feel my tear ducts start in on me and my breathing becoming shallow.

"It's okay. We'll figure this out." Angela rubbed my back. "Can you take any of it back?"

"That's embarrassing."

"Bella, I would think your man going postal would be more embarrassing."

"Isn't there something you can do? Just take it! Give it to the homeless."

"I can't give thousand dollar shoes to homeless people. The gang bangers would fight or kill them for it."

"Well then what am I going to do?" I screeched.

"Just calm down. Let me think." Angela ordered.

I watched as the wheels turned in her head and waited for her to come up with a solution to my problem. It felt like an eternity because the longer she took, the more time I was away from Edward, and surely by now he would be worried.

"Okay…how bout this. We bring it upstairs and I will have one of my team work on putting it on Ebay as a charity auction. I will promote it and maybe just maybe we can get at least some of that money back. And for the future, if you ever feel yourself driving over to Barney's, please drive here first and just…make a check out. Seventy-eight thousand dollars could go so far, Isabella Swan, if you would have put it in the right place to begin with." She scolded.

"I will. I promise. No more crazy shopping detours." I replied, crossing my heart.

"Okay, lets get started." She walked around to my truck and, as I hit a button, my purchases hit the ground as the trunk opened.

Angela started looking through the bags and, with a great sigh, she shook her head and then paused abruptly.

"I got it!" She snapped her fingers. "We could give these items to my friend over at Cosmo and ask her to use them in their next big celebrity shoot and then we will auction the items off. They will go for so much more if people know that someone famous has worn them."

"Angela! That's brilliant. Oh my god, you are perfect for this." I cheered.

"I'll give her a call. She helped with our last charity event. I'm sure she wouldn't mind helping us with this."

We called down the rest of Angela's team and, together, we all carried up the bags and boxes. I had gotten myself into a major pickle, but thankfully, with brilliant Angela, I had managed to find a way out. When I arrived back at home it was already dark and I could see only one light on in the house as I pulled up. I parked in the garage and walked into the house quietly, wondering if I would find Edward cooking dinner in the kitchen.

But he wasn't in the kitchen. I wandered through the house wondering where he could be. I noticed that my travel trunk was missing and wondered if he had moved it to the bedroom. I took a deep breath before pushing open the bedroom door and faltered in my step as I saw something bright pink and shiny lying on the bed.

A suitcase. A bright pink gaudy monstrosity of a suitcase. My hand glided over the smooth surface and I had to admit that it was a better alternative to my humongous trunk, even if it was gaudy pink. I couldn't help but smile at the color as Edward knew how much this color had caused many of war between us.

"Is it girly enough for you?" I heard from behind me.

I turned slightly, "Well, it was either this or purple, I imagine, since I am a girl."

"A peace-offering has to be ostentatious."

"You picked a really good one." I admitted. "I'm sorry about before. I…I shouldn't have gotten so upset."

"I'm sorry too. I know how much you have changed, Bella. Believe me, I find you to be absolutely extraordinary. I am so proud of you. I never in a million years thought that a girl who was obsessed with labels and fancy houses would ever see a different side to life, and that's what you have done. I shouldn't have been so hard on you. You should spend some money on buying yourself something nice every once in a while."

Wow, guilt trip party of one.

"Uh…thanks. That means so much to me. I…"

The phone ringing caught me off guard for a minute. Edward picked up the phone and greeted whoever was on the other end.

"Yes."

I could see him furrow his brow before sighing. He holds the phone out to me, "It's American Express wanting to ensure that you did in fact spend over seventy-eight thousand dollars at Barney's."

He passes off the phone without looking at me and leaves without saying another word.

Fuck!

I sighed and give a quick authorization to the tattle-teller on the phone and quickly hang up. I flopped down on the bed, rubbing my temples for the impending headache I was about to encounter. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! What was I going to do now? Crisis was averted, and now I'm going to have one brooding boyfriend to deal with just before we were supposed to leave for what I had hoped for, a romantic getaway.

Timidly, I pushed off the bed and prepared myself for the wrath of Cullen. I walked out into the living room and saw him sitting on the couch eating a sandwich while watching some sporting event.

"So…bet you can't guess what I did today."

His eyes met mine for a mere moment and they weren't happy eyes.

"Well…technically, you did say that I should go and spend money on myself every once in a while. This was my once…in a very long while and for a very long while after. So…" I paused, hoping for some form of communication, but he just sat there staring off into the television. "You know what? I didn't even get to keep the items I bought. I knew you would be mad and make me feel guilty, so I donated it all. Not one shoe, scarf, or sunglasses did I keep. If anything, I just did us a favor. It's a donation, which will help out on our taxes at the end of the year."

"Oh…well." He finally spoke, "I remember someone else, not so long ago, who would use donations for the purpose of tax write offs."

"I am nothing like Lauren." I snapped. "How dare you!"

"How dare I? You just went out and blew nearly a hundred grand because you were in a tantrum. How dare you, Bella."

"You know what, you're so god damn high and mighty, I'm surprised you haven't had nose bleeds from the altitude. I'm going to bed, but I suggest you find another place to sleep, because I wouldn't want you lying down with dogs."

Once again, I tore out of the room. And as childish as it seemed, I couldn't wait to slam the door behind me. I picked the hot pink suitcase from off the bed and threw it to the floor. I didn't even change or go through my nightly routine. I grabbed the covers back and threw the decorative pillows to the floor before climbing into bed. I lay staring at the ceiling, questioning whether Edward and I should be in a relationship. I loved him, I did, but it was getting too hard.

My stomach grumbled, reminding me I hadn't eaten anything since lunch, but I wasn't about to go out of this room to fulfill its needs. I turned on my side and stared out the window to my garden being lit up by the moonlight and really contemplated what I was going to do. Thankfully, I found sleep sooner than I would have thought and was able to put my problems away for a few hours.

Edward never came to bed.

I guess he took my advice after all. I walked out of the bedroom still dressed in the clothes from the previous day. It was the worst walk of shame of my life seeing how I didn't even get any. There was no sign of Edward anywhere, and I wondered if he had ended it without even saying goodbye.

I went on as if everything was normal and made myself a large breakfast since my stomach had practically eaten itself last night. I sat at the table looking around at my surroundings and tried to picture what my life would be like without Edward here. But I didn't have to wait long for the confrontation in my mind to become a reality since, the moment I set my fork down, Edward walked in from the garage carrying grocery bags.

"We were out of a lot of things so I went to the market."

"Oh." I replied softly.

He set the bags down and sighed, "Look, can we just stop all this nonsense? I don't want to fight with you."

I nodded in response. "Actually, I've been thinking…maybe I should go to Scotland alone…go and um…stay on my own. You could go with your family and we can spend some time apart and see if…"

"STOP!" He barked, "God dammit, Bella. Just stop already."

Hearing the anger come from him, I immediately shut my mouth and closed myself off. He appraised my stance and immediately melted.

"Just do it already, Bella. Just end this. I know that's what you want." He replied, defeated.

"That is not what I want!" I snapped. "What I want is for you to not be upset with me over every little thing. You constantly judge everything I do and I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for you. I never going to be the girl you want me to be. Angela is the girl you want."

"Angela?" He snapped, confused.

"She has dedicated her life to service and lives modestly. She has kids and probably wouldn't mind having more. She has a degree and I think she practically qualifies for sainthood, which usually is a prerequisite for your standards."

"What the fuck does Angela have to do with this?"

"I'm just giving you options." I shouted, taking my plate to the sink.

"I don't want options!" he shouted back.

"You sure as hell fooled me, because I know I haven't been doing it for you lately. Hell, the fact that you feel the need to call me Lauren, I know my halo must have slipped."

"All I want is for you to be responsible, Bella."

"It's not your job to make me responsible. I'm sorry Charles failed you, but you should go and yell at him, not me."

"You are completely impossible to talk to. You have to fight me on everything."

"Which is why I thought some time apart would do us some good. I don't want to break up but this…this right here, this isn't working and I don't wan t to be in a relationship where I have to tiptoe around you all the time because you get over sensitive about money. I'm going to Scotland to finish number two on the list and then, hell, I may fly down to the Bahamas to get in some scuba diving while I'm at it. Go with your family! Have a happy New Year and then when we come back we can decide if this is something we want to try to keep."

"So I don't get a say in this at all?" he snapped.

I looked around at my house and imagined it without Edward. I tried to imagine my life without Edward and I was incredibly saddened by the thoughts but, in the end, we already knew this wasn't going to work. We were just too different. Maybe if I would have been raised by Eugene Hamilton, I could have turned out different. Maybe if I was ten years older, I might want the same things in life, but I wasn't raised by Eugene and that age gap between us was never going to get any smaller.

"If you could…try and see past all this and take a good look into your future, then I think you would want it to end this way…right now, before we wasted anymore time. I believe future Edward would tell you that it's best to not have a say and just know that this is for the best."

"So…you're just breaking up with me because you're being lazy. You don't want to have to work at this relationship. You would throw away everything because it got too hard. That's not the Isabella Swan I know."

"That's the thing, Edward. I'm not Isabella Swan. I'm…Isabella Hamilton and I don't even know who I am anymore, but I know who you are and you definitely deserve better than Isabella Swan. You deserve a person who knows who they are and is happy with who they are, I may be lazy, but I'm strong enough to let you go."

I kept my tears at bay, knowing I could have a long crying jag the moment Edward left. I looked at him one last time and I could see him having the same difficulties I was having.

"Good-bye, Edward."

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>Thank you soo much for reading and reviewing. I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope every person no matter where they are in their life can look around and find something to be thankful for every single day.

Thank you to my wonderful beta, **Robstenvampgirl!** You're the best!

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.


	8. Chapter 8

FAIL: Pronunciation: feil **Verb**.2) Neglect to do something. Example: _You and I have been together for so long now, you may feel that I sometimes neglect you, or fail to tell you how I really feel._

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

I tried to leave the house alone the next few days, opting to stay at my old trusty friend, The Beverly Hills Hotel. I had hoped that three days would have given Edward enough time to move all his stuff out of my house. I hadn't broken down or had my good cry yet. I was holding strong, knowing that the minute I saw the closet empty of his belongings, it would be enough to send me into a meltdown.

I pulled into my driveway slowly, trying to see if there was anything different but, so far, no. I looked around in the garage and saw that some of Edward's equipment was still there and sighed, knowing that he was leaving it to me to get rid of. I walked into the house and not a thing was different. Curiously, I continued down the hallway and prepared myself for the empty closet. The bedroom, however, still looked the same.

I stood in front of the walk-in and took a deep breath, pulling the door open. I shook my head and turned on the light. Not a thing different. Not one item missing. I don't understand what was happening. I was clear, right? I gave the man three Bella-less days. He couldn't move one item out of this house in that time?

With no absence, I wasn't free to mourn and that was stressing. I could tell he hadn't been here since the mail had piled up and the answering machine was full. Did he just…go homeless? Taking only the clothes on his back with him? I needed to talk to someone and, unfortunately, I was about to cross enemy lines since the person I needed to talk to most was, in fact, Edward's sister.

I sat in front of Alice and Jasper's house for nearly twenty minutes contemplating my decision to come here. Alice was Edward's. In the event of a break up or divorce, he has the right to that relationship and I should stay the hell away. However, she did still kind of owe me for last year when she kept the fact that Edward was her brother a secret. That's right! She owed me.

I marched straight up to the front door and began to bang politely on the door.

"Bella!" Alice cheered.

I took a step back and appraised her. There was no malice or irritation that I was here on her doorstep after crushing her brother's heart.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Uh…why wouldn't I be nice to you?" She asked, confused.

"You…haven't talked to your brother?" I cringed, taking a step back.

"Uh….no?" she furrowed her brow.

I let out a huff and mentally cursed at him. He was going to make me tell his family.

"We broke up." I could see Alice preparing herself to gasp, "A couple of days ago, and I know I shouldn't come here because he is your brother and he gets you in the divorce, but I just need a few minutes. You owe me a few minutes, Alice Whitlock."

"Minutes? You broke up with my brother and you think I'm going to let you go after a few minutes? Get your ass in here, Swan!" She shrieked.

I shuffled quickly through the door, feeling my ass about to be gnawed on by one crazy prego chick. The house smelled of chocolate chip cookies and my mouth watered for a taste, but I wasn't about to ask.

"What is the matter with you?" Alice smacked me really hard in the arm. I began to rub the hurt out, looking for some explanation that would not cause another swat.

"We…we weren't working. We've been fighting a lot more than you know and, in the end, it's not right for me to be with Edward when he is expecting me to be one thing and I'm not sure if I can be that one thing. Do I even want to be that thing? I should let him find that thing, that thing that will make him happy. He…needs a thing."

That made no sense and I could tell from Alice's expression, she didn't get it either.

"He…doesn't have a big enough "thing?""

"No!" I replied irritated, "I mean…yes…of course your brother has a big enough thing. He has a very great big thing that I will miss…greatly."

"Then…I don't understand."

I sighed and tried to start again.

"Your brother…is a great, great person. He is going to make some girl very happy someday…but that girl isn't me. I'm sorry, Alice. I wish…I could be that girl, but I'm not. And I'm going to miss you. Really miss you. You and even Rosalie have become the best friends I always wanted. I haven't really had a chance to mourn, because your dumbass brother hasn't moved his shit out of my house. Well…not completely a dumbass, I mean he is really great and loving and I gave him three days without me in the way, and I think that even a slightly intelligent person would have understood so, in closing, he is a great and loving dumbass."

Alice sat on the couch with her arms folded tightly across her chest, still looking unpleasant. Awkwardly, I found a seat in the chair across from her while she kept me in suspense.

"I still can't believe you broke up with my brother! We're supposed to be leaving tomorrow for Scotland."

"I…uh…already booked myself a place to stay and if your father won't help me with getting a tee time…I'll just have to bribe my way onto the golf thing." I paused. "I won't blame your father if he doesn't want to help me. I know he had high hopes for Edward and I."

"We all had high hopes for Edward and you. Don't worry about Scotland. I will get the tee time. We can…go together. Make it a girls golfing trip."

"But…I'm not sure we're allowed to be friends. You should side with your brother. Family solidarity and all that crap."

"Well, I choose to side with hope." She stated matter of factly.

"Hope?" I questioned.

"Hope that, when you do finally pull your head out of your ass, my brother will still take you back."

I scooted back, afraid she was going to smack me once more.

"I…can't do that to him. As much as I want to keep your friendship, I think it will hurt him to see you and me still friends and hanging out."

"Well that's just fucked up! So, not only do I lose my best friend, but now I get saddled with a mopey brother? I don't think so." She got off the couch as well as she could for being prego and pulled me up by the arm. I may have let out a pathetic whimper from her claws digging into my flesh. "Go home, Bella, and think about what you did. Our tee time is for eight am Sunday morning and you better be there. Stay somewhere else if you must…if you're just too cowardly to face Edward, but be there at St. Andrews or so help me, I will track you down and bundle you to Edward if I have to."

She pushed me out the door and slammed it shut. I stood there catching my breath, in shock and somewhat afraid of this new side of Alice. Did she just say she was going to bundle me? She must have had to reach way back to come up with a Victorian era form of torture.

I wanted her to be mad at me; she should be, but not like this. This was weird. I stumbled along to my car and sat in the driver's seat for a solid five minutes, thinking over what had happened. Alice just sent me to my room! Well, she sent me to my house, but it might as well been to my room with how she blasted me.

When I arrived home, I began tossing the items of clothing into the pink suitcase Edward had bought me. I knew I shouldn't use it since we were no longer together but, since he hadn't even done me the courtesy of picking up his stuff, I did. I laid in bed looking up to the ceiling with a hand on where Edward should be laying and I couldn't take it. I couldn't be in this bed without him. He had tainted my bed.

"Oh, Saint Agnes….you've been good to me, but I think it's time to let you go."

I sighed, looking longingly to my bed that had served me well, and pulled the comforter off to go and lay in the extra bedroom. After changing rooms, I found sleep fairly quickly, which was a good thing since I had an early morning flight. I had booked my first class ticket for seven a.m. the next morning and as for the hotel…well, somewhat turning back into the old me, I found a suite at the golf course itself. Apparently, this famous golf course that bio dad just had to put on his bucket list was also a hotel. So, for a mere two thousand dollars a night, I found my place of residence for New Year's.

I will admit, when I finally arrived at the St. Andrew's estate the next day, I was impressed. The grounds were beautiful but, as I got closer to the mansion, it finally dawned on me that the whole ground seemed to be covered in white. How the hell am I going to golf in the snow? I looked out and tried to catch a glimpse of the nut jobs, like me, who would golf at a course like this in the dead of winter and couldn't find a single one. I huffed and told myself to just wait until Carlisle got here. I'm sure he would have it all worked out. Carlisle had enough money to hire a village to plow the snow away.

I checked in quickly and the service was already far superior to the service I had been receiving at The Beverly Hills Hotel. However, I did have a little trouble understanding the Scottish since I wasn't particularly in tune to their accents. I sat alone in my room and looked out over the grounds. I was in a foreign country, in the middle of nowhere, all by myself.

I had to get out of this room before I became the woman with the yellow wallpaper. I walked down to the few shops they had in the hotel and found a golf shop. I figured now would be as good of time as any to purchase a golf club or two. I walked around aimlessly, looking at all the foreign objects and missing the good ole days of showing up to course and being handed one club to use throughout the whole course. I picked up a bright and shiny club thingy and tried to hold it as best as I could.

"Can…I help you with something, Miss?" A young man approached, and even he couldn't hold back a cringe.

"Uh…I've never bought one of these before…is this a good club to use?"

"Well, what are you looking to use it for?"

I looked at him, dumbfounded. What the hell was I looking to use it for? Cutting a cake? Obviously not!

"To golf with." I stated slowly.

He smirked and gave a short breathy laugh. "Okay, let's start off slower. What kind of golfing…." He looked at my expression, "You've never done this before, have you?"

"What gave it away?" I joked humorless. "The fact that I don't know what this particular club does?"

"More like, the fact that you're holding it like it's a purse. You're from California, aren't you?"

I looked at his name tag, "Well Colin, I don't know if I should be impressed or incredibly creeped out. How'd you know?"

"It's a gift. Well, Miss…."

"Swan…Hamilton…Hamilton-Swan." I replied, confused. "Sorry, still trying to figure that one out."

"Miss…Hamilton-Swan." He smirked.

"You can just call me Bella. I think if you're going to help me find the right club thingy then we're practically family, right?"

"Family? Well, I don't know. It might be inappropriate for me to ask you out if we were family."

I could feel my blush begin to light up my face. I was soo out of this game and it had been a long time since I was put up to bat. I was about to turn him down when I thought back to the number one thing on the list. The one thing I hadn't shared with anyone.

"I would have thought it would have been inappropriate because you work here and I'm sure it's probably against the rules to ask a guest out." I replied coyly.

"I won't tell if you won't." He winked.

Scottish men! Forward much?

"You help me find a good golf club for tomorrow and I will take you up on that request!" Just jump in there and do it. Cross number one off. Besides, it's not like I have to marry the dude.

Dude…

Homeless dude.

I shook away the memory and smiled back up at Colin.

"Sounds like a deal. But, I should warn you, this can be a very expensive sport and you'll need more than one club if you're really planning on golfing."

"Why? I'm not trying to win a tournament. I'm sure I'll hit the ball all the same no matter what club I use."

"Bella…why exactly are you taking up golfing?"

"It's a bucket list thing. My biological father always wanted to come here and golf. So…here I am and I plan on going out there tomorrow and hitting something around with this shiny looking mallet."

"You planned on golfing here?" He questioned.

"Yeah…my…I know this guy who said he would get me a tee time so…I'm just hoping he'll come through. I must be crazy golfing in the snow but I have to cross this off the list."

Colin stood there, chewing on his lip, with a look of doubt upon his face.

"Um…I don't know who this guy is, but the golf course is closed for the season. You won't be able to golf until March."

I stood there staring at him. I was sure my hand was heating up the club just hearing Colin tell me something very obvious. That's why I hadn't seen a person on the course. That's why this whole place seemed vacant, even though it was apparently world famous. I shook my head and breathed out.

"I…I'm sure he must have a plan. He's…very powerful and he wouldn't have dragged his whole family out here if he knew this place was closed. I'm sure it will all be fine." I replied assuredly, but I wasn't sure and I think that read on my face. "So…does this come in pink?" I asked, holding up the club.

The golf club unfortunately didn't come in pink, but Colin did help identify the gender of my clubs by adding these cute little golf club mitten covers that were made in pink with the design of the St. Andrews logo embroidered upon it. I didn't buy more than three clubs and a golf bag with all the accessories that Colin taught me all about. I'm sure after this experience is over with, I'll just end up giving the clubs to good will. I highly doubted that I would suddenly find an urge to take up this sport…if you could call it a sport.

Tomorrow night was New Year's Eve and the last thing I wanted to do was be alone on it, so I planned my date with Colin for then. Of course I was nervous knowing that Edward was probably nearby and there was a slight possibility that I would be running into him soon. I wasn't ready to date and I felt sleazy for doing so, but I just had to cross off that number one.

I had nothing else to do that evening while I waited for morning to come and with the morning came Alice. At least I would have one friendly face tomorrow. It was definitely wearing being in a foreign land without a friend. I spent the rest of my evening eating room service and watching movies until I passed out in an alcohol induced coma.

The phone ringing the next morning was the alarm I had forgotten to set.

"Hello." I croaked.

"Bella! Where are you?"

"Uh…um…what time?" I was unable to form a declarative sentence.

"It's seven-thirty. Why aren't you up? I thought we should have breakfast."

"Seven-thirty?" I groaned, stumbling to the floor. "Give me a minute."

I hung up the phone and, with the massive headache I had forming, a minute would definitely not be enough. By the time I arrived downstairs, to the lobby, I was certainly not looking my best with my new golf clubs slung over my back. I walked out the elevator and felt myself skid to a halt seeing my ex's mother standing there with my two friends. I slowly backed up and my butt hit the elevator door right as it closed, my clubs making a racket as they hit the wall.

"Bella." Alice cheered, seeing me.

All eyes were on me. I breathed out a sigh and slowly walked over to the group.

"Heeeyyyy." I greeted awkwardly. "Uh…are you all going golfing?"

The three exchanged looks and I saw out the corner of my eye, Carlisle standing in one corner with the boys and, yes, all the boys were there. I focused on the girls, trying to not see Edward, but it was clear as day that he was here, standing, watching me.

"Oh, sweetheart, they won't allow us to golf during this season. We're sorry." Esme tried to console.

I was disappointed but wasn't going to allow that to stop me.

"I'm not going to let a little snow stop me from crossing this off my bucket list. Thank you, for…trying to bring me here. I'm going golfing." I stated.

"Would you stop being so damn stubborn?" I heard Edward say. "It's twenty degrees outside. You'll get sick."

"That's none of your concern." I huffed, irritated.

I moved around the group and kept my eye on the prize.

"You don't even know what you're doing." Alice screeched, hobbling after me.

"Yeah, Bella. You need a cart at the very least. You can't walk these entire grounds." Rosalie added.

"I'll be fine."

The entire Cullen family fumbled out the front door behind me.

"Bella, stop!" A voice bellowed behind me.

I stumbled for a moment but stopped, because when Carlisle Cullen bellows at you, you do as you're told. I turned around and folded my arms across my chest, waiting for him to say something.

"I apologize. I didn't think this out. You came to St. Andrews and I'm sure your father would have been proud that you made it this far…" He started.

"That wasn't what was on the bucket list! It didn't say, go to St. Andrews and stare out at the golf course. It stated to come and play a round. I have to play a round of golf." I threw my brand new bag into the snow. "I went out and bought clubs and balls and I'm ready to play and get this over with, and I don't care if the skies turn black and fire and brimstone fly down upon me, I am not leaving here until I can cross that number two off my list!"

The whole group stared at me like I lost a marble or two and, feeling my heart pump as hard as it did, I wondered if maybe I had.

"Bella." Edward started to say.

"And you were supposed to get your crap out of my house!" I snapped. "Did you even tell your parents we broke up? Did you?" I screamed.

"I'm pretty sure they know…since I've been staying with them, but if they didn't know before, then they know now. Are you happy?" he yelled back.

I stomped my way over to him. "Go ahead and make me the bad guy. I didn't realize it was my job to send out an e-blast."

"With the way you're screaming you wouldn't need to send out an email. You could climb Everest and shout it out and everyone in the world would know." He snapped.

I was just about to scream a rebuttal back at him when we were both hit in the face with a snow ball. Instantly, we both snapped out of it to see who accosted us.

It was Esme.

"Would both of you stop acting like bratty children and shut up?" She barked.

Timidly, I wiped the snow from off my face and shoulders and stepped back from Edward.

"Now, we are supposed to be having a lovely holiday. I don't care who is or isn't with who. Both of you will get your act together and start acting like the mature adults I know are in there somewhere. Carlisle, take the boys to town. It's time for the girls to have a chat." She ordered.

I watched as all the men of the group shuffled off, leaving us still standing there in the snow. I walked over to my golf clubs and picked them up off the snow.

"Bella." Esme called after me. "It's too cold. We can come back in spring."

I looked over to her and she looked as sweet as the first time I ever met her. She looked like the mother I should have had.

"I have to do this." I muttered.

"We can come back." She replied softly.

"No. I have to do this now. I have to accomplish something. I have to know that I don't fail at everything I do. You don't understand. You don't know what it's like to wake up one day and realize that your whole life was meaningless and what little you do know is…wrong." I wept, "I don't know if I will ever know Eugene Hamilton, but I have to try…I have to do something…"

"I know. I know." Esme consoled me, pulling me to her. "You will finish this bucket list, Bella. But today isn't the right day to cross this off. Your father wouldn't want you out here in this weather. He loved you. He wouldn't want to see you miserable trying to finish something he could never start. Come inside with us and we'll come back again when it's the right time."

"How do you know he loved me?" I stammered.

"Because he was a good man and a good man always has his heart in the right place. He may have never been able to tell you but he did, Bella. He did love you."

And then I broke.

The mourning that I wasn't able to do for the loss of the relationship with Edward finally caught up to me and I broke down in the arms of the mother of the man I loved but no longer had. Esme didn't reject me or yell at me for leaving her son. Like a true mother through and through, she held me in the snow and allowed me to use her shoulder for my tears.

* * *

><p>AN:<p>

Thank you soo much for reading and reviewing! Your continued interest in this story makes my heart fly. Thank you!

Thank you to my wonderful beta, **Robstenvampgirl!** For her continued hard work on this story.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.


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